Beyond Willpower

I've made a weight loss support group on facebook, it's secret, so only people invited can see what we're saying. If any of you are interested, just leave me a comment with your facebook name or addy below. Everyone is having such a hard time I thought this might help!

What are we really saying? So I was reading a thread on a message board/support group for weight loss that I belong to online. Someone was bemoaning a little weight gain and damning their diet of choice, and overall I knew how she felt. I feel that way sometimes too. Sometimes I feel like I can't stick to anything, or, I was on plan and exercised but I'm secretly beating myself up for not drinking enough water. It's always something, and 'good' is never good enough. One of the women told her that as long as we're trying, we're moving forward, that no one/no plan, etc, is perfect and that we waste an awful lot of time and energy trying to be perfect only to end up feeling awful in the end. Or something like that. Taking your own advice Anyhow, it got me thinking...we all say "It's progress, not perfection." On that board. I've read it more times than I can count. I think we aren't paying attention to what that means. Progress is l

What kind of holiday traditions do you have?   Every year Joey and I put up the tree the weekend after my bday, while he sets everything up to be decorated and puts out the stuffed animals, I get the holiday plates out and make us a goodie tray of cookies and hot chocolate. Every year we also watch bad santa while decorating. :) This year it was sugar cookies, chocolate chips and thumbprints : Also, be sure to check out www.gluuteny.com Thumprints are my all time favorite cookie! Also, yes, all vegan and gluten free! So in order to save myself from sabotage I gave cookies away at work and to my landlord. What's on the plate was all that was left for us. It was probably still too much. We put up the tree, out little charlie brown xmas: Here are some of my fave ornaments: This is what we have under the tree: Then, we torture Fuzzy The Cat: I had a good time, I love putting up the tree and of course eating homemade goodies, but I feel sugared out! I'm having a bd

So, other than the fact that I'm on plan and exercising and not losing a single ounce, my week has been pretty good. You know why? Because I'm on plan and exercising. I know the weight loss will come once I reduce the abilify, but I missed my last appt, so that hasn't happened yet. I'm trying to just be positive, and relax, knowing that even without the results I so desperately want, I'm still doing what's right for my body. I've been doing yoga almost every day. I find it helps my fibro so much that I don't want to stop doing it. It's amazing the difference adding yoga along with my physical therapy has made. Anyhow, yesterday was my birthday, I meant to take some food porn pics, but even though my camera was with me most of the day I entirely forgot until my last meal. We had rice with chopped portabella mushrooms and tiny potatoes, gold, red and purple. It was drizzled with truffle oil and blueberry balsamic and it was fabulous!: I also mad

I work at a certain plus size retailer that I'm sure most of you know which will remained unnamed, anyhow... I kind of think that working there has made my weight loss that much more difficult. I find myself feeling odd when thinner people walk in, they are terribly out of place in my store. Some are shopping for gifts, others don't know we are a plus store at all until they ask if we have 'small clothes'. No lady, we don't. I find that thinner people are out there in the world, but I forget that sometimes. I'm surrounded by what I consider to be, lovely chubettes. They are my customers and my coworkers. I see them eating fondant cakes that people bring in, or cookies or cupcakes. I've only indulged once and had a piece of chocolate cake during 'that time of the month' and was having a REALLY bad day. Yet it's no excuse. I have no one to blame but myself. It's just an observation. I feel like I had gone from immersing myself fully int

Today is one of those days where I'm thankful to have an all or nothing mentality. It's one of those "all" days. On days where I'm more ' nothing', like I have been for the last few months, I'm not quite so thankful for such a mentality. How many of you have this mentality? You throw yourself into getting healthy 110% and then once you start to slip you don't watch at all? What causes this? Augh. I wish I could break this pattern. Although I must say my 'all' did last 10 months, and my 'nothing' only lasted 3 months or so. I'm spending more time in the 'all' than ever before and less time in the 'nothing' than I ever have. I've gone YEARS in the 'nothing' with only a few weeks in the 'all' zone. It's such an odd head space. But, here I am, just trying to make it work to my advantage. The other day Joey and I went grocery shopping. We are all stocked up on healthy food, and I have t

Well, this week has gone well. I've done my PT I believe every day for the last week. I'm feeling better, work is still difficult on days longer than 4 hours but it's not killing me. I can do a 6 hour day, but I think going back to an 8 hour day would probably cause serious problems, sleep disturbance, depression, etc. I've finally lost a couple lbs, the past week I've been on plan and feeling great. I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds myself constantly asking, "Why don't I always do this? I feel so much better when I do." EVERYTHING IMPROVES. My mood, my sleep, my overall productivity. I frustrate myself. Why do we all do this to ourselves? Pigging out tastes good but is it really so worth it? I feel gross, bloated, I start to feel down, I get lazy and my life revolves around my next meal and nothing gets done. WHY!? But, I think it's safe to say I'm officially back in the game. Also, I did not complete nano, too many health

So my mom bought me a cookbook called: Vegan Fire and Spice I made my first recipe from it tonight. It's separated by country, and I had Nigerian Peanut Soup. It was amazing! The flavors were just...bold. That's the only way I can think to put it. Fabulous! I also made the blackened tofu from Appetite for Reduction . Here's some crappy blurry pics from my phone, ha.: I was talking to someone today about how beautiful colorful food is and how it's so healthy. When you eat a lot of prepackaged crap, we were saying -- it tends to just be brown. Blackened tofu ready to go into the broiler: Blackened tofu and Nigerian peanut soup The soup was truly the star of this show, but I think maybe the tofu didn't come out as well as it did last time because of my own error in prep. Anyhow, I can't wait to check out more recipes from this book, lots of yummy looking things, I recommend checking it out.  Also all the recipes in both of those books pretty much serve 4.

So, a few months ago I had gotten myself pretty much 'over' hunger. I allowed myself to feel hungry without it making me cranky or it being the end of the world. I didn't have to eat asap and pig out, I could come home, absolutely ravenous, cook a nice healthy meal and then eat it and be fine. Today, things are different. I've gotten unacquainted with hunger and it's time I got acquainted again. Now, I get hungry and I feel like I have to eat, even if it's something unhealthy or downright BAD for me (Fried/includes dairy or gluten) because I need to make that feeling GO AWAY. Well, enough of that. I've done it before and I can do it again. Today at work I was hungry. I had a protein shake for breakfast and it was black Friday so there was no going for a break to grab a banana and some nuts, which I normally do around 1ish.  (It's a total waste of calories). If I would just wait until I got home a measly two hours later I'm sure I"d be fine

There are some things in my life that were once priorities that have been put on the back burner. I feel like due to this medication it's pointless to try and lose since I can't seem to. But that is ridiculous because I need to be healthy whether I'm losing or not. So I need to get on track with the gf/vegan eats and exercise in a big way. (I've eaten dairy some lately and it's ADDICTIVE. No joke.)  So starting today, gf/vegan all the way. I need groceries, but I'll just eat tons of rice if I must just because I can really FEEL a difference in my body when I eat gluten. It aggravates the living hell out of my fibro, I've been feeling so inflamed lately that even just sitting here has been burning my legs and back. I need to exercise. I KNOW that it helps my fibro. Like my pain doc says, if you don't use it, you lose it with fibro. It's a vicious cycle. You lay down because you're in pain but in the long run laying around just causes more p

I was debating whether or not I wanted to do a thankfulness blog or not but figured I have plenty to be thankful for so I might as well. My friends and family Lets get the obvious out of the way first. I have some really great people in my life, family,  friends who are family to me. Some new, some old, and I appreciate and am thankful for all of them. I'm a people person, and over the last year I lost a lot of friends, so it feels good to have people back in my life again. Especially awesome people.  "Families are like brownies, sweet, with a few nuts." Spot on. My jobs I feel thankful every day that I have two jobs that I absolutely love. I work in high end fashion retail sales. I love people so it's absolutely perfect. I very rarely have those days where I just don't want to get out of bed and absolutely dread going to work like I have in the past. The discounts don't hurt either ;) I know with today's economy people can't be picky, and I was h

Well yesterday I had a feast. We did thanksgiving early here because joey works and my friends were available for dinner so we just had it yesterday. I made a nut loaf (Unfortunately I haven't been gluten free for a few weeks because of financial issues making it hard to afford the gf stuff), homemade mashed potatoes and gravy, candied yams, corn and pumpkin pie. Unfortunately my sister and her bf couldn't come, but I am thankful for my friends being there. I had fun. :) It. Was. Fab. Everyone loved it and we were all stuffed, sleepy and happy when it was over. Today is a new day though, my weight still hasn't budged, and I had to cancel my study appt, so I can't lower my dose until I see the doc again, but I've decided to try my hardest until I see them again. Even if I only lost 2 lbs at this point, I'd be thrilled. I am still struggling but it seems like every day is a little easier. My pain levels have been bad lately, I'm not doing my pt ver

So my weight is still the same. I thought I had lost but it jumped back up. Oh well. The doc said we can reduce the abilify again in two weeks, so that's the week after this one. Anyhow, a little life update that has nothing to do with food or weight loss. I've decided to attempt to get into cosmetics. I'd love to be a make up artist at sephora or ulta. I have someone who does photography who offered to help me with my portfolio. I also made a tumblr for makeup pics. Now, so far there isn't anythign fantanstic on it, just some old pics where I thought my makeup looked cool. I also took a few newer ones today, two different colors/styles without my glasses on. I feel like I look funny! Anyhow, you can check out my tumblr at: Unabashed Glitter Girl

So last night I went out with a new friend I met online. We were talking about my area where I live, and how people will yell stuff at me. I once had someone throw a half eaten apple at my head as they yelled "Fat bitch!" He said I need to move. ha. That would be admitting defeat! :P Anyhow, a friend of mine recently had a similar experience. Mind you this girl is a healthy weight, downright thin now, she's lost a good bit. She texted me pretty furious that some girls said something like, "Can you believe she left the house in that? Look at that spare tire." She was wearing a winter coat and jeans so something tells me that she heard the wrong part of a conversation unrelated to herself and internalized it. BUT...that doesn't mean that people don't still say rude things to thin people.  I am so over wanting to lose weight for other people, or so people will see me in a certain way. I don't care. If someone called me a fat bitch today, that

A lot of people comment here, or they tell me privately, that I am brave for writing this blog, or they tell me that they love how honest I am, that I go in to the good and the bad. I'm not here to sugar coat things. For awhile, I wasn't blogging very often. I wasn't doing well and I felt like every time I blogged I was saying the same thing, wow, I'm off track, trying again tomorrow. I felt like such a let down to all of you, but I know I'm not the only one going through this. Sometimes it's difficult to remember that we're not alone, there are some people who make things look so easy, and really, to me, it's just not something I can relate to. I have a friend who said he lost weight and there's no excuse for anyone because it's easy. This has been one of the more difficult things I have ever done.  I forget sometimes that this is forever, this is never going to be easy. EasiER at times, but never easy. Not for me and probably not for most

Tonight's Nanoing was a success! Over 2k written in just over 2 hours. Yay!

So yesterday was good. I stayed on plan. I felt reinvigorated in regards to my weight loss journey. I had alfredo with baked tofu, let me tell you how excited I am to be able to use my OVEN!!! I am SO excited. I don't have to fry and saute everything now out of necessity! That should help a lot. Anyhow, off topic,  last night I decided to put editing my nano book from last year on the back burner (not entirely, I still plan to work on it as a reward for getting my 1666 word count in every day on the new nano book) but yes, I'm going to participate in National Novel Writing Month.  There is a midnight kick off tonight at eat n' park so I'm going up there for the write in. Wooooo! :) Okay, so, back on topic, today is day two of being totally on plan. Once I pass day three or so it usually gets easier. Off topic again, I see I'm getting a lot of traffic from gothise, how are you guys coming from there getting here? I looked but didn't see any links anywhere..

So I feel like my struggles are finally coming to an end (for now!) Today a friend took me grocery shopping, we went to whole foods and I got lots of 'essentials' and not much 'extra' or processed stuff (like sauces, etc) I have recently slipped up due to not really having much of the food I need to eat. I've eaten dairy and gluten and my body is telling me to stop. So, I'm listening. I did buy some daiya and some tofutti 'sour cream', for tacos, and to help me get off the dairy, I bought plenty of gluten free pasta and a giant bag of rice, along with lots of salad veggies and some spinach and potatoes. So, my friend who took me grocery shopping expressed some interest in watching Forks Over Knives, the plant based way of eating documentary. It really got me excited to be eating healthy again. My goal is to lose 5 lbs by November 11th. (I'm going to a party and want to look a smidge better in my dress ;) My doc has also agreed to lower my dose

So, there has been some ruckus around here lately. I was cooking for a friend recently and the carbon monoxide detector went off a bit after our meal. It was a reading of 77 in the hallway and 256 in the kitchen. (It should be 0 at all times.) So, I called the fire department. They said it was coming from the kitchen and might be the stove. I was told to open all the windows and that the gas man would be coming. Let me just say, I rent. I've lived in this place, with this stove from surely 1970 (it was that awful goldenrod color) for 13 years. The gas man said it wasn't the stove, but that the gas line needed to be replaced anyhow. It may have been the carbon build up on my pots and pans burning. The landlord's son in law came to replace it and saw what awful shape the stove was in. It's always been crooked and the oil in a pan will all fall to one side, and the feet on it were so rusted there was nothing that could be done to even it out. The oven never worked righ

Well, I haven't tracked the last few days but tried really hard to eat intuitively, but I already know from experience that won't work. So, here I am, back on  www.sparkpeople.com  logging everything. It's for the best really. I made a new friend recently, and she told me last night that she read my blog. She told me how motivational it was, and how I'm going through stuff and still trying so she has to at least give it a shot. I hear those sorts of comments often and they never get old. Not in an ego type of way, but in a, "I have to keep pushing, there are people out there counting on me." Type of way. I don't want to be another blogger that can't keep the weight off and let's their blog sit around and collect dust leaving their readers wondering -what ever happened to that girl? Anyhow, enough of that. I started wellbutrin a little over a week ago, I had to take some time off work then cut my hours because of the negative impact it was

Well, this has been an interesting year. One year ago today I believe, I gave up eating at the Chinese buffet. Joey and I talked about it and decided to do the same thing with mad mex. If I can cut out the buffet where I nearly LIVED then I can cut out mad mex. This year has been full of ups and downs. If anyone tells you weight loss is easy (like a friend of mine has recently said. eyeroll.) They are wrong. It's hard work, and sometimes, there are set backs. Today marks my one year anniversary of deciding to change my life. yet my October Spark goal calender sits here empty. How sad. For the last two months the docs have been tweaking my meds. Work has become more difficult and I stepped down as manager and cut my hours so I can be less stressed, and therefore, less insane. In the last two months, since the med tweaking and the craziness started, I've gained 10 lbs. TEN POUNDS. AUGH! The frustration makes me not want to leave the house. It's downright tragic. I worked

Well, I'm feeling like I'm on the verge of being confident that I'm back on track! Yesterday I came home and wanted some of Joey's yummy food he was making, but I"d eaten what I had considered my last meal (although a bit earlier in the day than usual) and decided against eating again, I'm proud of myself. :) Today I get off early cuz it's Sunday, so I'll come home and work on the finishing touches of my first couple chapters and send it off for editing and I think I'll even jump on the bike tonight afterwards. :) I'm sad that I forgot to enter the vegan month of food blogging thingy. :( Sadness!

So yesterday was another good day. I've figured out a few things with work to help me out. #1 I plan to take two 15 min breaks and eat both times instead of eating once during a 30 min break.  This way by the time I get home I'm not so hungry. Today I'm bringing potatoes to work, they are yummy and cute. Tiny purple potatoes! :) I'm having a pain flare, I think it's the sudden drop in temperatures and all the rain.. So I've decided to work out at home until it passes, but I am going to work out. Monday I think we're taking a nice walk to the movies. There and back is 3 miles. Half of it u p a HUGE hill. Ha. I'll be doing my recumbent again too. I've been working a lot on the book I'm writing, polishing it up before sending the first few chapters out to be edited tomorrow night. I'm super excited to be so close here to the home stretch. I started this book last November, during National Novel Writing Month, but couldn't finish because

Well, still having a hard time, but not that bad. today has started off good with a protein shake and a banana before work. I know once I'm 100% back on track that I will feel so much better and be so happier, I know that is true, so why it's so difficult to do what I know is good for me is beyond me! I feel like today is going to be a good day, and October is going to be a good month.

Well, I have't been updating since the blog contest ended, I did not win, and it was kind of upsetting. Either way, I'm still here. I have gained 5 lbs. I'm shocked it wasn't more. I feel like I'm having weird appetite issues. I get hungry but don't want to eat, then later I'm starving and I pig out on something unhealthy. This happens late, because earlier in the day even if I'm hungry physically I have no desire to eat. No idea what's going on but I'm going to have to just force myself to try and eat regular meals. Also my mental health has been less than stellar lately. Some of it is just chemical or the weather or whatever, but another thing is just a personal issue I have yet to deal with that I need to. I have a doc appt Monday. They have increased my abilify to 30 mgs. I don't feel manic anymore, but I do still feel rather down. My schedule is finally normal next week, I'm going to take my days off and enjoy them, then the

So I'm doing a challenge starting today. It's been awhile since I've done a spark challenge, which can be pretty involved, but I'm hoping it helps my lack of focus. My pre-challenge days went well, stayed on plan, but didn't get a chance to exercise. I will though, and the challenge requires specific exercise stuff that you get points for, and I'm competitive, ha, so hopefully that will work out for the best. I don't have much to say yet, but I'll report back in a couple days to say how my challenge progress is going.

So last night I was reading through some of my old blogs. My very first blog post here, "Sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it."  is really ringing true right now. Just a little reminder for myself, to keep me plugging along: Sometimes I think these 'reminders' are what have kept me from regaining! This is a battle isn't it? It's worth the fight though. Today I filled out my spark goal tracking calender and I tracked breakfast and lunch already, and I have about 555 cals left for dinner. I have a long day ahead, and I had another calf spasm last night so my legs hurt still, but I'm about to do some pt, and tonight I'm going to jump on the recumbent. I'm preparing, mentally more than anything, for Monday, when I start the Biggest Loser Challenge 19 with my sparkbuddies in white lighting. :) Good luck ladies! Anyhow, the challenge is 10 weeks, and I hope that I can report a nice loss back in the next few weeks after it

Some days, this is a nightmare: Thanks to those who commented on my last post. I feel like I'm getting back on track. I haven't actually been tracking my cals but haven't had much time to eat either. So it's worked out and the scale is moving in the right direction. I work the next 10 days straight! help? I'm going to bed in a few here. Going to wake up early, juice for breakfast, cook a lunch to reheat at work, and pack a snack, it'll be a long day. I woke up with cramps in both my calves last night, my fibro is kickin' lately, this rain is making me feel less than stellar, but I'm still doing my pt and I'm still doing 10x's better than I was last fall. I'm working 8 hour days. I never thought I'd get back here with all my health problems.  I had a little 'bipolar moment' last week/into this week, but made a med adjustment with my docs and am feeling better. It's so difficult to stay focused on health and eating well wh

So I've been losing and regaining and losing the same 5 lbs for about three weeks now. It's getting pretty frustrating, I'm sure many of you have been there. How do I break this obnoxious cycle!? I had some phantom pms recently and pigged out on chocolate for about a week, augh. Work is getting easier, I'll be down to one job soon enough, that will make things far far easier. I can cook on my days off and freeze stuff. This needs to be a thing, for sure. I was off yesterday, but it was my first day off in 10 days so I just didn't want to do ANYTHING. Once I am down to one job, I'm going to go back to the gym as well. I feel pretty blah, down on myself, I need to get moving again. It's getting more difficult, but I got rid of all my 'fatter clothes' so there is no going back. :) I've relost a few more lbs. A couple more to go till I'm back at ticker weight. Hopefully this time I can keep it down and go a little below that. This post

Okay people, I used raffleking to pick the winner....and the winner is... The Vegan Tummy Please e-mail me at beyondwillpower99 at gmail dot com with your mailing address! Sorry it took so long to announce I haven't been home much lately!

Unfortunately, Forks Over Knives did not come to my city when it opened, but we did  go to Cleveland   to see it. For those of you who haven't seen it (or who have and want to learn more), here are some goodies for you to win! If you've ever been curious about what a more plant-based diet can do for you this is a great way to get started! *US residents only* Forks Over Knives DVD The China Study, which is often referenced in the film  Companion book Here are the rules: (When posting this graphic plz chose "large" so the type can be read) The winner will be announced September 3rd and will be chosen at random. Deadline is September 2nd at midnight. Once a winner is chosen they will have 3 days to contact me with their shipping info and if I don't hear back another winner will be chosen at random.  U.S residents only. Sorry! Thanks for entering and good luck! NOTE: If you do NOT have a blog, you can post the link to this contest on your facebook/goo

So on Tuesday I went down home to visit my  mom, my sister came too, I'll be posting some of her pics on my blog, Never Quit Playing  tomorrow so keep an eye out. She took this pic of me in my apron above, as I made slaving over a hot stove look easy and glamorous ;) (Photo by Mara Pranzarone )  I had a great time, I am teaching my mom how to ease into a vegan/whole foods/gluten free/soy free diet to try and ease some of her health problems. Sooner or later I will get her doing physical therapy, because the temporary pain of therapy is worth the relief you get after. I am so thankful for Etty, my physical therapist who I used to see and I hope she's reading this since I gave her my card and I hope she knows how much she has changed my life for the better.  I made my vegan alfredo for my fam down home and it was a hit!  Even my stepdad who told me that grilling veggies and tofu on the fourth of July was unamerican liked it and came back for more!The picture above is made with

Where has my spark gone? So the other day I commented on a blog post written by  Rejecting 300  that was about, where do you find motivation once it's fizzled out? Basically, I am committed, I keep plugging along, whether I'm motivated or not. It's not as fun when you're not motivated, but it still gets the job done. I haven't been to the gym in forever, I've been lucky to have one day off a week. BUT, this past week I had some time to relax and this coming week I will have two days off IN A ROW! (I'll be out of town staying at my moms since last week didn't work out, but it's okay, she has a treadmill!). I told Rejecting 300 that I was going to go to bed, and wake up the next day and hope that spark had returned. It didn't though. But, I stayed on plan, I tracked, and at the end of the night when Joey asked if I wanted to go out to eat, I said no, I'd had my cals. I must say I made myself proud. :) Getting it back Then today, I woke