Beyond Willpower

Well, I'm still losing!!!! I will update my ticker once a month after my study appt. But just wanted to let you know that I'm back in the game and still going strong! Tonight will be about a week and a half on Lyrica. I'm feeling good. I plan to do yoga tonight. It will be my first time doing it in a long time. But once I get off here I am going to go ahead and get to it! Tonight for dinner I made gluten free, vegan spinach alfredo. Yum! Be sure to check out my recipe here: "Nothing to say but Mmmm", vegan alfredo There is a strange peace in not struggling with your emotions and motivation (or lack thereof) or you're willpower or whatever it is you want to call it. I feel truly hopeful for the first time in over a year. I just can't believe the difference coming off that bc made. Thank you portia! It's much better.  Anyhow, I'm off to do some yoga! Might go for a walk later too if joey doesn't get home too late. ...

Before I say anything else let me just say... I used to use blogger because I hated wordpress. Now bloggers interface is a bit more like wordpress. HATE! ehem... Anyhow...I'm doing good. I'm still on plan, exercising, I've started taking lyrica and working more hours. Things are going well. The pain is bad sometimes, tear inducing honestly, but...I hope the lyrica kicks in full force in the next few weeks as I increase the dose and I can start feeling better. I am doing my pt. I'm eating well. I've been taking a banana and nuts with me to work for lunch and staying AWAY from the pizza place. I think I Should start juicing in the morning and taking it to work with me to drink throughout the day. Oh btw, I had made a post a few weeks back about wanting to go to cedar point. I am an idiot. I can't go to cedar point because amusement park rides DESTROY MY BODY. When I went to kennywood last year I could only stay a couple of hours and it was so painful...

I've been struggling with coming here and writing this blog. I have been steadily gaining weight since last August. I had originally lost 80 lbs and I gained 50 of that back. I was miserable. I've finally gotten on track for realz and have lost my first 10 lbs. I will be adjusting my ticker to reflect what's really going on. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I mean...I ate too much. Yup. But why? What derailed me and what kept me off track? What got me back on track? How do I figure out how to make these backsliding episodes shorter and further in between? I am now at 40 lbs lost. Augh. I just keep telling myself I did it before I can do it again, and then some. I think what originally derailed me was work. I had started working almost full time hours last august-october, it eventually proved too much for me fibromyalgia wise, but during that time I was under a lot of stress and spent a lot of time at work, I didn't bring my own food and the only things...

Okay, so, I'm tracking and exercising. Feeling good. I have another study appt in a month, they weigh me. I'm going to try not to weight myself more than once (at the two week mark) and then once at the month mark. I feel like obsessing on the scale is not a good idea for my mental state at the moment. Not that the scale obsession is EVER good. I just want to do the right things regardless. I've come up with a few new recipes since I've been gone. There's a spicy mac n cheese and a pot pie and I will hopefully get my chili recipe up at some point. I wanted to do it in the fall but that didn't work out. I've had a difficult winter. I got mad at my physical therapist, she was not respecting my boundaries on a certain issue, so I quit seeing her and stopped doing my PT altogether.I'm going to start that back up today. I've been struggling with my moods. It's seemed like I've been tweaking my meds every other month. I hate the effect the seas...

Today is one of those days where I'm thankful to have an all or nothing mentality. It's one of those "all" days. On days where I'm more ' nothing', like I have been for the last few months, I'm not quite so thankful for such a mentality. How many of you have this mentality? You throw yourself into getting healthy 110% and then once you start to slip you don't watch at all? What causes this? Augh. I wish I could break this pattern. Although I must say my 'all' did last 10 months, and my 'nothing' only lasted 3 months or so. I'm spending more time in the 'all' than ever before and less time in the 'nothing' than I ever have. I've gone YEARS in the 'nothing' with only a few weeks in the 'all' zone. It's such an odd head space. But, here I am, just trying to make it work to my advantage. The other day Joey and I went grocery shopping. We are all stocked up on healthy food, and I have t...

Well, this week has gone well. I've done my PT I believe every day for the last week. I'm feeling better, work is still difficult on days longer than 4 hours but it's not killing me. I can do a 6 hour day, but I think going back to an 8 hour day would probably cause serious problems, sleep disturbance, depression, etc. I've finally lost a couple lbs, the past week I've been on plan and feeling great. I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds myself constantly asking, "Why don't I always do this? I feel so much better when I do." EVERYTHING IMPROVES. My mood, my sleep, my overall productivity. I frustrate myself. Why do we all do this to ourselves? Pigging out tastes good but is it really so worth it? I feel gross, bloated, I start to feel down, I get lazy and my life revolves around my next meal and nothing gets done. WHY!? But, I think it's safe to say I'm officially back in the game. Also, I did not complete nano, too many health ...

There are some things in my life that were once priorities that have been put on the back burner. I feel like due to this medication it's pointless to try and lose since I can't seem to. But that is ridiculous because I need to be healthy whether I'm losing or not. So I need to get on track with the gf/vegan eats and exercise in a big way. (I've eaten dairy some lately and it's ADDICTIVE. No joke.)  So starting today, gf/vegan all the way. I need groceries, but I'll just eat tons of rice if I must just because I can really FEEL a difference in my body when I eat gluten. It aggravates the living hell out of my fibro, I've been feeling so inflamed lately that even just sitting here has been burning my legs and back. I need to exercise. I KNOW that it helps my fibro. Like my pain doc says, if you don't use it, you lose it with fibro. It's a vicious cycle. You lay down because you're in pain but in the long run laying around just causes more p...

I was debating whether or not I wanted to do a thankfulness blog or not but figured I have plenty to be thankful for so I might as well. My friends and family Lets get the obvious out of the way first. I have some really great people in my life, family,  friends who are family to me. Some new, some old, and I appreciate and am thankful for all of them. I'm a people person, and over the last year I lost a lot of friends, so it feels good to have people back in my life again. Especially awesome people.  "Families are like brownies, sweet, with a few nuts." Spot on. My jobs I feel thankful every day that I have two jobs that I absolutely love. I work in high end fashion retail sales. I love people so it's absolutely perfect. I very rarely have those days where I just don't want to get out of bed and absolutely dread going to work like I have in the past. The discounts don't hurt either ;) I know with today's economy people can't be picky, and I was h...

Well yesterday I had a feast. We did thanksgiving early here because joey works and my friends were available for dinner so we just had it yesterday. I made a nut loaf (Unfortunately I haven't been gluten free for a few weeks because of financial issues making it hard to afford the gf stuff), homemade mashed potatoes and gravy, candied yams, corn and pumpkin pie. Unfortunately my sister and her bf couldn't come, but I am thankful for my friends being there. I had fun. :) It. Was. Fab. Everyone loved it and we were all stuffed, sleepy and happy when it was over. Today is a new day though, my weight still hasn't budged, and I had to cancel my study appt, so I can't lower my dose until I see the doc again, but I've decided to try my hardest until I see them again. Even if I only lost 2 lbs at this point, I'd be thrilled. I am still struggling but it seems like every day is a little easier. My pain levels have been bad lately, I'm not doing my pt ver...

Well, I haven't tracked the last few days but tried really hard to eat intuitively, but I already know from experience that won't work. So, here I am, back on  www.sparkpeople.com  logging everything. It's for the best really. I made a new friend recently, and she told me last night that she read my blog. She told me how motivational it was, and how I'm going through stuff and still trying so she has to at least give it a shot. I hear those sorts of comments often and they never get old. Not in an ego type of way, but in a, "I have to keep pushing, there are people out there counting on me." Type of way. I don't want to be another blogger that can't keep the weight off and let's their blog sit around and collect dust leaving their readers wondering -what ever happened to that girl? Anyhow, enough of that. I started wellbutrin a little over a week ago, I had to take some time off work then cut my hours because of the negative impact it was...

So yesterday was another good day. I've figured out a few things with work to help me out. #1 I plan to take two 15 min breaks and eat both times instead of eating once during a 30 min break.  This way by the time I get home I'm not so hungry. Today I'm bringing potatoes to work, they are yummy and cute. Tiny purple potatoes! :) I'm having a pain flare, I think it's the sudden drop in temperatures and all the rain.. So I've decided to work out at home until it passes, but I am going to work out. Monday I think we're taking a nice walk to the movies. There and back is 3 miles. Half of it u p a HUGE hill. Ha. I'll be doing my recumbent again too. I've been working a lot on the book I'm writing, polishing it up before sending the first few chapters out to be edited tomorrow night. I'm super excited to be so close here to the home stretch. I started this book last November, during National Novel Writing Month, but couldn't finish because ...

So last night I was reading through some of my old blogs. My very first blog post here, "Sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it."  is really ringing true right now. Just a little reminder for myself, to keep me plugging along: Sometimes I think these 'reminders' are what have kept me from regaining! This is a battle isn't it? It's worth the fight though. Today I filled out my spark goal tracking calender and I tracked breakfast and lunch already, and I have about 555 cals left for dinner. I have a long day ahead, and I had another calf spasm last night so my legs hurt still, but I'm about to do some pt, and tonight I'm going to jump on the recumbent. I'm preparing, mentally more than anything, for Monday, when I start the Biggest Loser Challenge 19 with my sparkbuddies in white lighting. :) Good luck ladies! Anyhow, the challenge is 10 weeks, and I hope that I can report a nice loss back in the next few weeks after it...

Some days, this is a nightmare: Thanks to those who commented on my last post. I feel like I'm getting back on track. I haven't actually been tracking my cals but haven't had much time to eat either. So it's worked out and the scale is moving in the right direction. I work the next 10 days straight! help? I'm going to bed in a few here. Going to wake up early, juice for breakfast, cook a lunch to reheat at work, and pack a snack, it'll be a long day. I woke up with cramps in both my calves last night, my fibro is kickin' lately, this rain is making me feel less than stellar, but I'm still doing my pt and I'm still doing 10x's better than I was last fall. I'm working 8 hour days. I never thought I'd get back here with all my health problems.  I had a little 'bipolar moment' last week/into this week, but made a med adjustment with my docs and am feeling better. It's so difficult to stay focused on health and eating well wh...

Some new challenges to overcome I've been doing less than stellar. I didn't lose this week, didn't gain, but didn't lose. Having too many of those weeks. While I was stalled for no real reason I could discern before, this week was all my fault. We haven't really had groceries, so eating out was happening quite a bit, even though it was relatively healthy, it's still most likely packed with sodium. I've also not been going to the gym as often as I should, honestly my pain has been flaring a bit and the fear of making it worse has kept me home.  I'm 226 lbs and I want nothing more than to hit 224, I know it's a dumb number, heh, but it'll be more than halfway out of this decade, which I am SO looking forward to. This week I plan to hit the gym today, Thursday and Saturday. I'm trying to pace myself, since going so overboard the week before last set me back with my fibromyalgia pretty badly.  I've decided to go back to physical therapy a...

So this past week has been slightly less insane, but I used any downtime to relax or go to the gym or write. I'm working on a fiction book as I may have mentioned. It may be done by next Tuesday night. I'm so close! My legs have been flaring and so I haven't been making it to the gym, yesterday was the first day in about a week that I managed to feel well enough to go. I was even doing my pt wrong the last few days and hurting my ankles in the process. I went yesterday though, and I did an hour there. I took it easy though, I just did the treadmill, the recumbent and the crosstrainer so I wouldn't be dying today, and I'm feeling good today so it looks like that was my best bet. I'm going today after this event that is happening at work. We didn't really have any food in the house last week, so I was eating out too much and the scale reflects that as I haven't lost anything at all this week. We went grocery shopping the other day though so now I...

I had a rough night last night. It involved a really bad familiar pain flare that left me feeling like this: all night. Then, I ate a taco salad after my calories for the day had already been used up. I was having insane cravings. I required salty crunchiness. Augh. That is the second time this week I slipped up. The first time was due to eating too early one day so I ended up eating extra that day cuz my schedule was a mess. I haven't been exercising much this week either. Pain was creeping up on me and I've spent my days off in bed just trying to prepare for what hit last night. I wanted to do the cardio max dvd but that was not happening because my hips and joints were on fire. I slept a lot last night, and I woke up feeling quite a bit better. I think I'll be doing c25k today, MAYBE cardio max, depending. I do have a very long day tomorrow and don't want to kill myself the day before it. Yeah, I think c25k will be all I do. and LOTS of pt today. Lots and lots...

So, last week was my big test week. I had to work 6 days in a row and I did it, and I am fine. There was a time just a few months ago that I couldn't work two four hour days in a row,  now I can work 6 4-6 hour days in a row? Insanity. How did this happen? I had an amazing physical therapist who did myofascial release on me, gave me pt to do at home, (which I do, pretty religiously), I've cut out gluten, gotten off pain meds, I exercise regularly, I wear my bra straps criss crossed (this helps a lot with back pain)...I've made a lot of changes in the last year and I'm finally seeing some rewards. I feel good. I feel great...I can't remember a time in my life that ever went as well as this year. It's just getting better and better. Which is of course scary in it's own way....but I'll stay positive as long as I can. As you can tell from my lack of blogger presence I've been very busy, but it's a good busy. Full of work, exercise, reading, spend...

So, it's been about 3 weeks and until the last few days I had only lost about 2 lbs. The 230's have been a real pain, very difficult to get out of. My body is testing me, as it is known to do. This is generally the time I feel like I'm getting nowhere and give up. Not this time. As a friend says, "a plateau is maintenance in training." and that is how I'm trying to look at it. It doesn't matter if it's not coming off as fast as I'd like because it's coming off, I know what I've done to myself is tragic and it will be difficult to undo all this damage. I FEEL amazing though, I don't ever want to go back to feeling how I did before. As of today, in under a week I have lost 3 lbs. I'm down to 230 and once I lose 2 more lbs I will have officially lost more than I ever have before. In 2004 I lost 70 lbs. When I gained it back I also regained an additional 40 lbs, so even though I'll have made it back, it isn't back to where I...

There's a lot going on in my life right now. For starters, I got new glasses!:  Although that's not all that important. I did lose 2 lbs this week, and I've gotten up to 6 miles on my new exercise bike. I think tomorrow I'll try for 8. :) I lost my voice earlier this week, it's still not back. Makes my job difficult since it's a chatty type job.  Speaking of jobs...well, I'm getting this physical therapy right now, she's doing myofascial release on me. It's a type of soft tissue therapy for tight painful muscles. It's amazing. Anyhow, I'm doing my pt exercises at home every day and seeing her twice a week for treatment. It's just...I have so much hope. She spent the last two weeks on my legs, which are my first biggest problem. Next week she'll work on my butt/hip area because she said the reason my feet turn out when I walk is the muscles are pulled so tight they are turning my feet outwards instead of letting me walk straight....

So, I started physical therapy earlier this week and although my pain is worse this week than last, I'm dealing with it a little better, I'm a bit more hopeful. Last week in comparison I had almost no pain, so it's not that bad this week, mostly waking with sore shoulders. Anyhow, since I'm feeling better, I'm exercising more. I had insane fitness goals for myself for this month. They aren't going to happen. Not yet. But, I have been doing 3 or more days of 30 mins of cardio + 1 day of strength/toning for 15-20 mins. I'm getting there. This is in my very near future: (by very near I mean I'm ordering it asap! Hopefully today or tomorrow!) I know that improving my endurance and fitness will help my pain. I'm hoping since the weather is finally getting warmer, that I can increase it all through spring, summer and fall and by next winter I can deal with the pain inflicted by the weather far better than I did this year. Which was, to be fair, f...