Skip to main content

My impending identity crisis: Who am I if I'm not 'the fat girl'?

In 2004 when I lost 70 lbs, (I had also started at 260 as opposed to 299), Right around the 199 mark I started to have a bit of an identity crisis. I didn't recognize who I saw in the mirror, and I would just stand and stare. I am now 235, and I'm feeling those feelings creep up on me, and I think by the time I get down to around 220 (I have a pic of myself from then that I LOVE), I think I'm going to start feeling that way full blown (even if it's 21 lbs earlier, I did start much higher this time.)

I always kind of wonder, who will I be when I'm thinner? How will people describe me? Now I'm sure that people who are my friends probably refer to me as "The big girl with the bangs." or something like, "That girl with cartoonishly large boobs" if it's a guy. (Yes I have been described that way, ha.) but I won't always be that girl. I don't know who I'll be. That is just slightly scary at the moment. I'm sure once I hit 175 or so it'll be downright terrifying.

Here I am at 190 in 2004: a bit confused already

It's not just the outward appearance of things either. I'm just...different. I never would have described myself as healthy before, and I know I'm fat, but I AM healthy. I eat very healthy, I don't overeat, I exercise 6 days a week, I drink lots of water, green tea, eat flax, lots of fruits and veggies and vegan protein sources, nuts, beans, very balanced. I would never have described myself as active, but I am getting to a place where that word could be used to describe me. I'm most likely going to go for a walk in a bit here, just because it's too nice out to sit in the house. All I've done today was laundry and it's making my soul cry. ha. I beg for days like this, I don't want it to go to waste.

There are just so many things, even not really related to weight. I'm becoming more responsible (Finally), more organized, I am doing things for myself that I always required help with, I do wake up some days and wonder who the hell I am. a good way.

Have any of you gone through something similar?
Don't for get to enter my cookbook giveaway contest!

and be sure to follow!


  1. You look good at 190!! Man, I can't wait til I am 190... I have close to 30 pounds to go to reach that, but I am so excited!

    I am known as the girl with big boobs, also... This is like the trademark I didn't ask for. But, in losing 31 pounds.. they have shrunk. Nobody has ever known me as thin, so that's scary.. they are seeing the changes and complimenting me, but it's, what am I gonna do with myself when I am... *gulp* skinny?

    I'm gonna enjoy the hell outta it, that's what!...And you will too! :) Keep up the amazing work.

  2. You are you! I think you look incredible in that picture and your avatar. I was just the opposite, I was turning into someone I didn't recognize anymore when my weight skyrocketed so I don't know the reverse side but I would hope your friends know you for your great personality and beautiful heart and killer smile. Not boobs! :D

  3. I don't recognize myself now that I've gained weight. Hopefully soon I'll see old thinner me in the mirror soon.

    Congrats on your weight loss so far!

  4. I completely am still amazed at the dichotomy between brain and eyes. My brain still remembers being fat. So when I sit down and feel odd cause i feel a bone there, it jars me. When I see a reflection in a store window, it startles me. It's not as fat as my HEAD remembers me. I'm adjusting slowly, but it's weird. I'll do Pilates and lay on my stomach and FEEL the bones--ribcage, pelvis--that I couldn't feel 15, 40, 60 pounds ago doing Pilates.

    I love it. I want to get to 199 and see how much weirder that feels. I'm enjoying the disorientation. :) Cause my head's image is not as good as what I see in that reflection. My head's image isn't as cute as the photos.

    Granted, there are downsides. The hanging skin/crinkles are yucky. I hate that. BUT...well, it's the price I pay for better health and a more mobile weight.

    I want more disorientation and weird feelings. It's part of transformation. I suspect the butterly feels amazingly odd the first moments out of that coocoon...

  5. First of all, You're down right gorgeous. I feel that I can relate, but in an opposite way. I was very fit, collage athlete. And in the past couple years I can't seem to comprehend that big person in the mirror. But I'll tell you, You will remail who you are. You are already building another identity with the changes you've made and becoming more fit and healthy!!

  6. Thanks so much to all of you! Such supportive comments. :)

    I've been fat forever so I was never confused about the fat person in the mirror. ha.

    and lisa, you're right, I am building another identity with all good things. :)

    I might be re-evaluating my goal weight after really paying attention to that pic at 190. I feel like I looked good there, but I wasn't active like I am now so I feel like at 190 I will look a bit smaller this time around. I think I'll blog about this.

  7. You are gorgeous - both inside and out xox


Post a Comment

Thanks for your comment!

Popular posts from this blog

How Intuitive eating (did not) work for me

So I have spent roughly the last year and a half or more trying to lose weight by eating intuitively. I'm not really great at it. I have lost 30 lbs in a year and a half, it's moving at such a snails pace that I have finally decided that the only thing that works for me is tracking, and even though in my head I know I won't possibly do it forever, I have to go back to it.

So, Joey and I are tracking again, so far so good. It's only been a few days, but it at least hasn't been a struggle. I figure we will stay where we are calorie wise and after about a month and hopefully some loss (not being too focused on the scale though, it's been my downfall in the past) we can reduce our calories a little bit at a time.

I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel kind of down that I did so poorly with intuitive eating. Then again I probably wouldn't be fat if I were good at that sort of thing. :P Here's to being "On Plan." :D

Also, my job has finall…

I Was a Fat Bride

Our wedding pictures are the first thing you see when you walk into our home. 

Joey and I have been together for over 22 years. We've both gained and lost a lot of weight over the course of our relationship. Then we regained, and re-lost, you know how it goes. We got married on our 19 year anniversary, which is in March.  We had decided to get married just four months prior. So after what our friends teased was a 'brief 19 year courtship", we decided to just go ahead and do it. I know there are a million blogs and articles about losing weight for your wedding. This is not one of them. I had four months to lose weight. I don't really even remember what was going on, but I had NO desire to diet or attempt to lose weight and so I just...didn't. Joey lost a bit of weight so he could wear that fancy vest. I appreciate the effort, he looked handsome in it. :)

We thought we would never get married. We didn't see the point, we kind of still don't, and luckily, be…

Fluvia Lacerda....or, life's short, have fun.

So I just read this post about 'letting it all hang out' in the summer, by Fluvia Lacerda, a Brazilian plus size model. She. Is. Gorgeous.

First, let me say, my 'thinspiration' pics are always plus size models. I have no desire to be skinny. I want to ROCK my curves.

Anyhow, this is what the lovely Fluvia Lacerda looks like:

So she writes this blog post about how you should accept your fat body and don't care about the judgements from other people, etc, etc. I'm thinking to myself, she looks amazing, who is judging her? Then I google her and find a 'celebrity weight gain' site that is talking all kinds of smack on her 'chunky arms' and her 'expanding waistline'. I want to cry. Seriously. If you can look like THAT and still get insulted by these people (who are the equivilant to me, of frat boys yelling "fat bitch" at me from their porch) then I just hate this world. 
I ASPIRE to be as 'fat' and 'chunky' as Fluvia!…