Beyond Willpower

So, I noticed my weight fluctuating WAY too much on my old scale, I KNEW it was being FAR too kind. If a scale can 'be kind'. Anyhow, I bought a new one, and so now I see my old one was WILDLY off, and I have no idea how much I weighed at the start of the month or how much I've lost, realistically. I know I have dropped a pant size and that is usually like 15-20 lbs. So, I've probably lost about that much since before xmas. Starting fresh, I'll weigh in next week with results from this new scale. Gah!

I have lost 6 lbs this week. I may have actually lost more than 3 last week, and less than 6 this week, but my scale needed the batteries changed, so overall since the 1st of the month, regardless of how or when it happened, I have lost 9 lbs. The only thing I didn't stick with 100% was the keeping eating to a 12 hour window. But I'm working on it! I"m still going strong on not eating out which is probably the main thing that is helping me. I ate out WAY too much. Also, I now have so much more money! Hahaha. Damn shame all the money I wasted eating out! That's money I could have used on make up or skin care! :P Anyhow, just wanted to post a little updated. -9 lbs. Woot. Also, I am completely off the abilify now. Wooooooo!

So, I have kept up with my challenge! I've taken breakfast and lunch to work every day this past week. I've structured my life so I wouldn't get too hangry and eat out if I'm stuck out. I'm going to start bringing granola bars with me, in case of emergency.  I haven't eaten out in a week and I have been watching my portions and not snacking mindlessly (for the most part!) and I have lost three lbs this week! Joey mentioned reading about a study of people who only ate within a 12 hour window every day and they lost 5% of their body weight after so much time, without making any other changes to their diet other than that 12 hour window. So, I am putting a 12 hour window rule on myself, yet another small change that will hopefully, along with the rest, pay off in a big way. I plan to start exercising in the spring. Hopefully by then I'll be a bit smaller and it will be a bit easier, along with warmer, so I can go on walks. :) Starting slowly.

Wasn't even thinking how close to the new year I was when I made that weigh in post. I gained the 2 lbs I lost from vegas while I was out of town for xmas. Too many cookies! :P It's fine though, Joey and I start  our journey 'to health' today and no looking back! I imagine it's going to be easier than ever as I'm almost off abilify. I know from past experience all it takes is no weight gaining meds and a bit of motivation and it'll come off. It has before. Then, time to tackle the issue of keeping it off. Let's get there first though. I'm thinking of doing one of those 100 day challenges. I'm planning a vacation for exactly 100 days from now, I will be flying, I'd love to fly a good bit smaller. Flying while fat is a pain! I think we will do a challenge to not eat OUT at a restaurant for 100 days. Will post back here with progress!

Our wedding pictures are the first thing you see when you walk into our home.  Joey and I have been together for over 22 years. We've both gained and lost a lot of weight over the course of our relationship. Then we regained, and re-lost, you know how it goes. We got married on our 19 year anniversary, which is in March.  We had decided to get married just four months prior. So after what our friends teased was a 'brief 19 year courtship", we decided to just go ahead and do it. I know there are a million blogs and articles about losing weight for your wedding. This is not one of them. I had four months to lose weight. I don't really even remember what was going on, but I had NO desire to diet or attempt to lose weight and so I just...didn't. Joey lost a bit of weight so he could wear that fancy vest. I appreciate the effort, he looked handsome in it. :) We thought we would never get married. We didn't see the point, we kind of still don't, and luck...

I haven't posted here in 2 years. I have lost about 40 lbs, it was more, prolly around 60, but I've recently regained some due to medication changes. BUT, I have the med thing under control now. I take haldol, which turns off my full signal. I started taking wellbutrin, which turns it back on? I don't know how these things work, dagnabbit! Anyhow, I miss this place, I miss my readers. I've been living with my head in the sand for years. I feel lost, afloat on a sea of ranch dressing or something. I finally feel like I have some idea as to what I need to do. Again* A few posts back, which to be fair, was years ago, I said I was going back to counting calories because even though I know I can't stick to it I had to do "something."  "Something" is not enough. These are SOME of the diets I have tried: Slim fast counting calories atkins south beach keto veganism (for health) Extreme Low Calorie diets Starvation Counting calories Juice f...

So I have spent roughly the last year and a half or more trying to lose weight by eating intuitively. I'm not really great at it. I have lost 30 lbs in a year and a half, it's moving at such a snails pace that I have finally decided that the only thing that works for me is tracking, and even though in my head I know I won't possibly do it forever, I have to go back to it. So, Joey and I are tracking again, so far so good. It's only been a few days, but it at least hasn't been a struggle. I figure we will stay where we are calorie wise and after about a month and hopefully some loss (not being too focused on the scale though, it's been my downfall in the past) we can reduce our calories a little bit at a time. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel kind of down that I did so poorly with intuitive eating. Then again I probably wouldn't be fat if I were good at that sort of thing. :P Here's to being "On Plan." :D Also, my job has f...

So joey had a dr appt yesterday, he has gained a good bit of weight since his appt last year, and he had blood work done and his doc called today to let him know his cholesterol is high and he needs a 'strict diet'. (no talk of statins yet, but they are the devil so we're trying to avoid that for both of us, my cholesterol is high as well.) His dad has had a heart attack so I hate it, but I'm worrying. Heart healthy changes we plan to make: 1.) Lean meats only 2.) Oatmeal for breakfast 3.) Start taking pharmaceutical grade fish oil 4.) Start taking cinnamon supplements (lowers blood sugar AND cholesterol) 5.) Drinking a glass of wine a day (Good for raising good cholesterol) 6.) Switching our unsweetened black brewed iced tea to unsweetened green brewed iced tea. 7.) Increasing fiber (half of every meal should be fruits/veggies) 8.) Juicing carrot/apple/orange  juice once a day. (high fiber/lowering cholesterol recipe) 9.) Exercise to lower bad and raise goo...

Joey and I just got back from a vacation, where I'm certain I gained at least 5 lbs (in crab), but I don't know/won't know because I'm not weighing myself. I weigh myself a week or so before going to the Dr. and that is it. It seems, aside from pigging out on vacation, that I have maintained a 25 lb loss but haven't lost any additional weight to my knowledge. Maintaining it get's a great big 'huzzah!' from me, because I haven't even been doing anything except eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full. I have managed to maintain a 25 lb loss doing that alone. So, now Joey and I are home, and on the same page about our weight loss goals. We are eating meat, but far less of it and have decided to make veggies half of our portion at dinner, a tiny bit of meat and a grain. Tonight we had a giant salad and a bit of chili and rice. It was very filling, I didn't even finish my chili, but I must say it was quite fab. Lean ground beef, ...

I'm an optician. I work with two other opticians at my job and we are all on and off again concerned with our health and diet. We never seem to ALL THREE be concerned at the exact same time. That seems to finally have changed! Right now, all three of us are concerned. So, I came up with a plan. We have a mini fridge at work and a microwave. I also bought a toaster oven for us today. We are all SICK of eating out and ordering in for lunch. I went to Aldi's (local cheap grocery) and bought 45$ worth of groceries. I got some lean and fit lunch meat, cheese, pb and j fixins, salad fixins and some healthy snacks, like fruit and wheat crackers.  We are all going to chip in each week and take turns getting the groceries. I figure once we are started it should only cost 30$ a week to keep us replenished and stocked on stuff. That's only 10$ per person, per week. We are paying more than that for certain buying junk food and eating out every day! So this will save money AND be a ...

OMG. I am so sorry for being gone so long! Things have been happening here. In my last post I said I'd be counting calories but I just can't. I CAN'T. I mean I can, but I know I can't stick to it for the long term, so I am just trying to make better choices, stop eating when I'm full and I haven't weighed myself in MONTHS. Joey hid the scale, for both of our sake since we have scale dependent self esteem! So, some Non Scale Victories that I've had since my wedding last March 9th, on our 19 year anniv. 1.) My face is finally starting to look a little thinner: BEFORE: (at my wedding, with a friend, not sure why everything looks so shiny here) DURING: 2.) My body is finally following suit: BEFORE:  (Me getting my ring from my best woman at my wedding lol) DURING: (me rocking this dress, attending a burlesque show!:) 3.) My underwear that I had that were the biggest size I could find for my HUGE hips, are actually fitting n...

I've decided after much reflection, to go back to tracking calories. I know that it works if I stick to it, I just can't stop when I get to where I want to be. I have to track then, for maintenance. I'm honestly pretty frustrated by this, and I can't even go back to my dieting 'home', sparkpeople, because I feel they are being influenced by....well, by money. They posted this whole blog thing about how diet drinks REALLY aren't bad for you and we've all been duped! All of this based on some study that seemed to be research conducted by the american beverage institute or something with a big banner across the top for this institute (aka lobby?) and I just feel like they've sold out in a big way. It used to make me mad how they would put banner ads for pizza hut across the top of the page, but this? It's too much. Also, I know it's been a bit since I posted. I've thought about it often, about what I could say, but we've not really m...

Well I haven't been around lately, just busy and tired at the same time, that combo makes for far less yoga and blogging. Luckily I'm in such a healthy eating routine that I havne't been knocked from it. Last night I tried a new recipe I found online. It was for black bean burgers:   [Photographs: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt] One of the things about black bean burgers is that they are notoriously mushy and they can even fall apart at times. Over at Serious Eats  you can find the recipe and read the article that goes along with it, explaining the trial and error, the fucking SCIENCE that went into creating this amazing 'meaty' textured black bean burger. I highly suggest you make a batch. It's a little more work than usual for such a thing but the reward is totally worth it in the end. Joey loved these burgers so much he said we need to make them when he has friends over on Sunday we are also trying to eat healthier. He even had one for lunch today ...

Size acceptance. Dieting. Weight loss...Can they go hand in hand? Today I shared this photo on facebook: Melissa Mccarthy has lost some weight recently, citing that she wants to be a good mom and be around for her kids. So, I guess that could be summed up by saying health reasons. I felt the need when I shared the above pic, to add a comment, about how I believe she's lost weight, and it's hard to walk that line between size acceptance and weight loss. I once suggested my blog to a friend and she said she didn't want to read it because she believed in size acceptance. This was kind of annoying, because so do I. At the same time, I have diabetes, non alcoholic fatty liver disease, high cholesterol, and I'm teetering on the edge of high blood pressure. Basically I'm dying, I get that we're all dying, I'm just dying a little faster than I should be. Given my family history, (dad died at age 48 I believe, didn't even see 50, before he was l...

DDP Yoga, "Not your momas yoga" Joey and I were laying in bed the other day talking about exercise and yoga and such. He had suggested I give DDP yoga a try. I was feeling pretty down on myself because of my physical limitations. "My stomach is too big for yoga." I said "When I lose 50 lbs I'll try again" I said. I know that yoga helps my fibromyalgia. I used to do it a lot and I had actually gotten pretty good at it. Now though, I'm way bigger than I was the last time I was trying this stuff and it all just seemed terribly hopeless.  So when Joey was at work the other day, right before he came home, I went out and fired up the DDP Yoga video that we have. If you aren't familiar with DDP , or you need to be inspired, here ya go, you're welcome: Anyhow, I decided to give it a try. There was more 'on the floor' stuff and pretzeley stuff than I could handle.  So it was a little less this:  ...

This is what a binge worthy day looks like: add stress stress and more stress then, just add pizza, that you didn't even have to PAY FOR minus a lunch break and there you have it!  (I'm an optician) we had this kind of day: we have 23 appointments, everyone is showing up PLUS we are taking walk ins for exams, then we're also taking outside scrips who want to buy glasses from us and it's so busy we can't even take a lunch break.  This is perfect breeding grounds for a binge, or at least, some unhealthy eating. Especially since the manager wanted to be nice, (which it was really), and buy us all pizza since we wouldn't get a lunch and this way we could eat on the run. But today was different. I knew last night today was going to be insane, it's the end of the year and everyone has waited until the last possible moment to get their glasses, tomorrow will be equally crazy I'm certain, if not more so.  So this morning I get up 15 minutes e...

So....it's been awhile. I'd like to explain my absence. For starters, I had mentioned going on Wellbutrin and that it helped my appetite....well, that turned out to be true to a degree. I did manage to lose about 30 lbs, very.....very....slowly.... But whatever, I was happy to have lost anything. Recently I was hospitalized, and taken off the Wellbutrin, but, put on Lithium. Now, I've been on Lithium in the past, by itself. So I figured this would be a great time to get off Abilify! So, I gained about 6 lbs between the hospital and also came out without the Wellbutrin. I was on 30 mgs of Abilify, and I'm now down to 15. I'm going off slowly, but I can see that it's helping already. I can't wait to be off of it entirely! The last time I went off Abilify (But didn't' replace it with anything else) I was stable for nine months, and in those nine months I lost 90 lbs. I went back on Abilify for the next couple of years, and I gained 130 lbs!!!! I...

So I did the cleanse for two days, I woke up this morning after going grocery shopping last night and realized that I'll be cooking all day today (didn't have time yesterday, so many errands to run!) so I figured I'd end up eating something I cooked today. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'll be making healthy foods. For breakfast I had a banana, a handful of almonds, and some corn flakes in soy milk. Today will be a busy day since I need to cook and do laundry and clean. But, cooking is the #1 priority. I bought a bunch of new tupperware!!!!! Let's do this! Also, as far as me finding a more intuitive way to eat...I've decided to stop eating when I sigh. I KNOW that's when I'm full, I'm doing this deep sigh to make room for more food. No more stuffing myself, when I sigh, I'm DONE. No matter how much or little is on my plate.

I wish I hadn't had such a difficult year. I wish I hadn't abandoned this blog and myself in the process. As you can see from my ticker I've gained all my weight back. Well, it's time to start over. Today is day two of a juice/raw food cleanse that I plan to do for 3 days. (Basically while I"m off work). Joey bought me some tupperware, and I plan to spend today and tomorrow bulk cooking. I'm going to freeze a TON of stuff to take to work for lunch. Lunches at work are costing me about 100$ per month and countless pounds. When I worked part time it was so easy. But now....at work I don't bring food, so I eat pizza, then I come home and I'm just exhausted and I want to eat and not have to clean up a mess, so I eat out, probably something fried and unhealthy. Well, as of yesterday, that is stopping. My fibro is really getting to me with this weather and all the gluten and dairy I'm eating. Hence the cleanse, I just need all that crap out of my ...

Wow. It's been since MAY. and before May, I was already struggling. I've had some issues. For one, I switched birth control. I was trying out one of those ones where you only get it every 3 months. I was getting mine every 6 weeks. It just wasn't working. It also gave me the worst PMS style cravings every minute of every day. If I could have eaten a deep fried, chocolate covered, ice cream topped pizza every day I would have. It was pretty awful. Then, to make matters worse, I went back on lyrica (weight gainer). I stayed on it way past the point where it actually worked. I stopped being gluten free and I even ate dairy because my pain had gotten better. Now my pain is back, the drug isn't working, and it never EVER worked as well as being gluten free and vegan did. Also, I was searching for my first full time job since 2005 when I went on disability. I have now worked my way OFF disability and have gotten a new full time job as an optician. I'm VERY happy at ...