Beyond Willpower

I've been struggling with coming here and writing this blog. I have been steadily gaining weight since last August. I had originally lost 80 lbs and I gained 50 of that back. I was miserable. I've finally gotten on track for realz and have lost my first 10 lbs. I will be adjusting my ticker to reflect what's really going on. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I mean...I ate too much. Yup. But why? What derailed me and what kept me off track? What got me back on track? How do I figure out how to make these backsliding episodes shorter and further in between? I am now at 40 lbs lost. Augh. I just keep telling myself I did it before I can do it again, and then some. I think what originally derailed me was work. I had started working almost full time hours last august-october, it eventually proved too much for me fibromyalgia wise, but during that time I was under a lot of stress and spent a lot of time at work, I didn't bring my own food and the only things...

Well, this has been an interesting year. One year ago today I believe, I gave up eating at the Chinese buffet. Joey and I talked about it and decided to do the same thing with mad mex. If I can cut out the buffet where I nearly LIVED then I can cut out mad mex. This year has been full of ups and downs. If anyone tells you weight loss is easy (like a friend of mine has recently said. eyeroll.) They are wrong. It's hard work, and sometimes, there are set backs. Today marks my one year anniversary of deciding to change my life. yet my October Spark goal calender sits here empty. How sad. For the last two months the docs have been tweaking my meds. Work has become more difficult and I stepped down as manager and cut my hours so I can be less stressed, and therefore, less insane. In the last two months, since the med tweaking and the craziness started, I've gained 10 lbs. TEN POUNDS. AUGH! The frustration makes me not want to leave the house. It's downright tragic. I worked ...

I read a post on a weight loss forum today. It was a woman asking for help because she tracked her calories for one day, went way over and then gave up. I've been there. I know that everyone thinks there is a magic bullet and they have just yet to find it, you can tell by the way their eyes glaze over when they ask how you lost weight and you tell them eating healthy and exercising. But that just isn't it, there is no magic bullet.  People have asked me, what was 'the moment', that aha moment, where I knew that I was going to stick with it this time. Honestly, I'm not sure.  There was a day where I said I'd watch my intake, like a million other days I said I'd watch what I'd eat over the years. The only thing that was really different, was that I had admitted I was a binge eater. I watched that very first episode of ruby and realized therapy was where it was at. When I started addressing the binge eating in therapy, when I joined online support gro...

Looking back over the last six months is interesting. I started on plan on October 19th, I went gluten free and vegan shortly after. I remember days of binging at the chinese buffet...who am I kidding? Weeks. I remember never drinking water, and napping all the time, never being active, expending the least amount of energy possible. I remember that I ate out about 5 days a week - sometimes more than once a day - and there were days of appetizers (one for me, one for joey) a meal with a salad and dessert, milkshakes, etc. I would go to bed after pigging out and lay on my side and it felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Frequent heartburn, weight bearing pain in addition to my fibromyalgia pain and shortness of breath at the least sign of exertion. I remember this misery Now, it's 6 months later, and I can't imagine how much better I will feel in another 6 months. I feel so much better now, doing laundry and carrying my basket up and down the steps is easier...