Beyond Willpower

So, a few months ago I had gotten myself pretty much 'over' hunger. I allowed myself to feel hungry without it making me cranky or it being the end of the world. I didn't have to eat asap and pig out, I could come home, absolutely ravenous, cook a nice healthy meal and then eat it and be fine. Today, things are different. I've gotten unacquainted with hunger and it's time I got acquainted again. Now, I get hungry and I feel like I have to eat, even if it's something unhealthy or downright BAD for me (Fried/includes dairy or gluten) because I need to make that feeling GO AWAY. Well, enough of that. I've done it before and I can do it again. Today at work I was hungry. I had a protein shake for breakfast and it was black Friday so there was no going for a break to grab a banana and some nuts, which I normally do around 1ish.  (It's a total waste of calories). If I would just wait until I got home a measly two hours later I'm sure I"d be fine...

So, I feel like I have two blog posts in me today. I NEED to write one now, and one later, since they are on two different subjects. So today, I have drank all my water, I exercised for 30 mins, I didn't nap, I worked on my book, I have been on plan. Overall a great, healthy productive day. But mentally, it's been a challenge. I can't seem to get food off my mind. I exercised and then right after watched an episode of Heavy, and I was thinking about dinner being SO far away (probably only two hours from now.) the entire time and it's all I can think of right now. I'm not particularly hungry, I'm just feeling unhinged by food thoughts today and need to write it out. So today this is what I've had to eat so far: breakfast: 2 slices of half inch thick homemade gluten free cinnamon raisin bread with 1 serving of thinnly spread jam. Snack: salad with lots of veggies and a bit of dressing Lunch: Rotisserie style tofu soup with a little bit of rice an...

So today I was reading through some old blogs. I found this blog from the fourth day that I was back on plan as far as my health was concerned. It talked about some truths. Truth: I am a compulsive overeater/binger/emotional eater Truth: I can not do this alone: My sparkpage and sparkfriends. I <3 you all! It's been going on 5 months now, I honestly don't think I've ever stayed On Plan even this long...I lost 70 lbs in 2004 but I lost it in 4 months (and was totally unhealthy). I find it somewhat comforting that not much has changed. I still very much believe these truths to be the way things are, always will be, and will need to be worked at every day. It has gotten easier, but it's always kind of there, in the back of my mind. Fooooooooood will make you feel better! Foooooood to celebrate.....augh.  I'm here for the long haul. I'm not going to leave Spark , I'm going to keep my head together with the emotional stuff, I can do this. If you're i...

This got really long, I hope you guys can get through it! I had written this introductory blog about my weight loss history, my current journey, where I hope to be in the future, and my current accomplishments. One of my current accomplishments is that it is now February 5th and I have not binged since October 14th 2010. Someone asked how I managed to do that. Food addict, compulsive overeater, binge eater, yeah, I'm all of those. I have no doubt that this will always and forever be something I struggle with. I was reassured of that fact this week. I did not do any binging, although I can't say I wouldn't have had I had  more food at my disposal. At the end of the day I had most of my days calories left at dinner so since I had so many, and so did my bf, I asked if he wanted to go to mad mex. (local cal-mex restaurant). I'm going to lay out just what led to me being in a 'binge' frame of mind. I had eaten too little during the day and let myself get wa...

So, I've been On Plan perfectly for almost 3 months. I haven't lost anything for 2 weeks. It's that time of the month though, and mine lasts FOR EV AR, so, who knows, maybe I'll have a whoosh. The thing that has me concerned though isn't that I haven't lost - so much as where I'm going mentally DUE TO the no loss. I've had a history of eating disordered behavior along the other end of the spectrum. I binge yeah, but I also have gone through periods of starvation and laxative abuse. (These things don't work out as well as you hope they will. Also they inevitably lead to binging). Anyhow, not losing for 2 weeks has almost immediately put me into the mindset of -- cutting cals. It's never so simple as oh I should cut by 100 and see after a week where that gets me. It's more like, cut by 300...and if that works, hell, go lower. I know this is the start of something bad. So yeah, I'm worried. I want to be this person: Not this pers...