Beyond Willpower

So....it's been awhile. I'd like to explain my absence. For starters, I had mentioned going on Wellbutrin and that it helped my appetite....well, that turned out to be true to a degree. I did manage to lose about 30 lbs, very.....very....slowly.... But whatever, I was happy to have lost anything. Recently I was hospitalized, and taken off the Wellbutrin, but, put on Lithium. Now, I've been on Lithium in the past, by itself. So I figured this would be a great time to get off Abilify! So, I gained about 6 lbs between the hospital and also came out without the Wellbutrin. I was on 30 mgs of Abilify, and I'm now down to 15. I'm going off slowly, but I can see that it's helping already. I can't wait to be off of it entirely! The last time I went off Abilify (But didn't' replace it with anything else) I was stable for nine months, and in those nine months I lost 90 lbs. I went back on Abilify for the next couple of years, and I gained 130 lbs!!!! I...

So last night I was reading through some of my old blogs. My very first blog post here, "Sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it."  is really ringing true right now. Just a little reminder for myself, to keep me plugging along: Sometimes I think these 'reminders' are what have kept me from regaining! This is a battle isn't it? It's worth the fight though. Today I filled out my spark goal tracking calender and I tracked breakfast and lunch already, and I have about 555 cals left for dinner. I have a long day ahead, and I had another calf spasm last night so my legs hurt still, but I'm about to do some pt, and tonight I'm going to jump on the recumbent. I'm preparing, mentally more than anything, for Monday, when I start the Biggest Loser Challenge 19 with my sparkbuddies in white lighting. :) Good luck ladies! Anyhow, the challenge is 10 weeks, and I hope that I can report a nice loss back in the next few weeks after it...

Well, this is going to be a ranty blog. I've once again been maintaining, but it's mainly because I'm not putting in the effort. You don't put in the effort, you do NOT see the results. Things have been really stressful lately and really I'm just glad I haven't gained. Work has been a little stressful, then friday I lost my wallet on the bus, my very expensive wallet full of my life (including i.d and house keys, yes, we changed the locks that night.) I've been having trouble finding a bra that fits. For awhile I was wearing a 42 DDD, then a 40F, and though the 40F fit better than the DDD's, it still seemed big in the band. I remeasured myself today to find that I SHOULD be wearing a 38G, so I bought one and am finally feeling comfy. I watched LaRhonda's episode of extreme makeover: weight loss edition tonight and it really lit a fire under my ass. It seemed like things weren't easy going but she kept  hitting those goals. What I wouldn'...

So, I wanted to start c25k but my doc is worried about my joints and said that she would prefer if I waited until I'd lost a little more weight so as not to cause more stress on my joints than necessary. I recently got a recumbent bike.  This is the one I got: So, to prevent stress on my joints, but to help build my stamina and endurance for when I am able to start c25k (hopefully June 19th, that's when my second four month goal time allotment ends) I'm doing it on my bike. I mean it's really just interval training, and it will prepare me for 'the real thing' in June. I do a speed of about 10-12 on the bike on low resistance for the 'walking' portion, and then I up it to 15-16 for the "running" portion.  I'm pretty excited about this. Tomorrow is week 1, "run" 2. Tonight I did 10 miles on the bike at a consistent speed of about 11-12 and I feel great. :) I never trust what the machines say for 'calories burned' but...

So, I was talking to a girl at work today, and I realized just how far I've come from being young and stupid and full of self-hate. This girl, she's lovely. She's 22, 5'3 and weighs 120 lbs and is just so beautiful. She found out how much weight I'd lost and that I was very interested in nutrition, and she started begging, BEGGING for weight loss info. She said she wants to have a lower bmi, she wants to weigh 100 lbs, and that her legs are fatter than her bf's. She said she currently eats 400-900 calories a day. She asked if she should cut down to 300-600. She said "please help me!" I told her I would; I told her I'd bring her the number of a good therapist and advised her to get a fatter boyfriend, hehe. I was only half joking. ;)  I could not believe it. She laughed and I said, "I doubt I'm the first person who has told you that." and she said she used to 'see someone' for food issues and that if I gave her a number she...

So, over the past 5+ months I've been trying to make some positive healthy changes. I started: Drinking an acceptable amount of water, 64-96 oz a day Went vegan Increased my exercise substantially Increased my daily raw food intake Lowered my calories Added phsyical therapy to my daily activities I've started wanting to get a bit healthier, now that I've pretty much mastered everything above, except maybe exercise, with my pain that will take a few more weeks of physical therapy to keep me in the groove I'm in. Anyhow, I started reading articles on green tea and flax meal . I was reading about how adding 2 cups of green tea to your day can help prevent cancer. Also, that 4 cups a day can help reduce cholesterol, increase weight loss results and prevent type II diabetes. So I've added 2 cups in the morning and 2 cups when I get home from work. Luckily the caffeine is low (4 cups of green tea is equal to less than 1.5 cups of coffee). It's also a diuretic...

So today I was reading through some old blogs. I found this blog from the fourth day that I was back on plan as far as my health was concerned. It talked about some truths. Truth: I am a compulsive overeater/binger/emotional eater Truth: I can not do this alone: My sparkpage and sparkfriends. I <3 you all! It's been going on 5 months now, I honestly don't think I've ever stayed On Plan even this long...I lost 70 lbs in 2004 but I lost it in 4 months (and was totally unhealthy). I find it somewhat comforting that not much has changed. I still very much believe these truths to be the way things are, always will be, and will need to be worked at every day. It has gotten easier, but it's always kind of there, in the back of my mind. Fooooooooood will make you feel better! Foooooood to celebrate.....augh.  I'm here for the long haul. I'm not going to leave Spark , I'm going to keep my head together with the emotional stuff, I can do this. If you're i...

I have some amazing friends. Most are currently my diet buddies, one or two I want to be my diet buddies, and still others I wish were still my diet buddies. For those who I'd like to follow me on a path to good health and for those who used to and I wish would come back and for those who are frustrated endlessly by their supposed lack of "willpower", I feel the need to acknowledge that it will only come when they want it to. When they wake up one day and staying fat is more difficult than losing weight. When I was at my heaviest (299 lbs) I was pretty miserable. I thought for sure that I would never be able to get myself out of the mess I'd gotten myself in to.  Me at 299 lbs I thought in my most desperate moments,  maybe I'd get "the surgery". My bf was so against it though, and honestly the statistics were not that impressive. I couldn't afford to be one of the huge percentage of people who regained their weight after going through the ...