Beyond Willpower

I've been struggling with coming here and writing this blog. I have been steadily gaining weight since last August. I had originally lost 80 lbs and I gained 50 of that back. I was miserable. I've finally gotten on track for realz and have lost my first 10 lbs. I will be adjusting my ticker to reflect what's really going on. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I mean...I ate too much. Yup. But why? What derailed me and what kept me off track? What got me back on track? How do I figure out how to make these backsliding episodes shorter and further in between? I am now at 40 lbs lost. Augh. I just keep telling myself I did it before I can do it again, and then some. I think what originally derailed me was work. I had started working almost full time hours last august-october, it eventually proved too much for me fibromyalgia wise, but during that time I was under a lot of stress and spent a lot of time at work, I didn't bring my own food and the only things...

So last night I went out with a new friend I met online. We were talking about my area where I live, and how people will yell stuff at me. I once had someone throw a half eaten apple at my head as they yelled "Fat bitch!" He said I need to move. ha. That would be admitting defeat! :P Anyhow, a friend of mine recently had a similar experience. Mind you this girl is a healthy weight, downright thin now, she's lost a good bit. She texted me pretty furious that some girls said something like, "Can you believe she left the house in that? Look at that spare tire." She was wearing a winter coat and jeans so something tells me that she heard the wrong part of a conversation unrelated to herself and internalized it. BUT...that doesn't mean that people don't still say rude things to thin people.  I am so over wanting to lose weight for other people, or so people will see me in a certain way. I don't care. If someone called me a fat bitch today, that ...

Well, I have't been updating since the blog contest ended, I did not win, and it was kind of upsetting. Either way, I'm still here. I have gained 5 lbs. I'm shocked it wasn't more. I feel like I'm having weird appetite issues. I get hungry but don't want to eat, then later I'm starving and I pig out on something unhealthy. This happens late, because earlier in the day even if I'm hungry physically I have no desire to eat. No idea what's going on but I'm going to have to just force myself to try and eat regular meals. Also my mental health has been less than stellar lately. Some of it is just chemical or the weather or whatever, but another thing is just a personal issue I have yet to deal with that I need to. I have a doc appt Monday. They have increased my abilify to 30 mgs. I don't feel manic anymore, but I do still feel rather down. My schedule is finally normal next week, I'm going to take my days off and enjoy them, then the ...

So I've been losing and regaining and losing the same 5 lbs for about three weeks now. It's getting pretty frustrating, I'm sure many of you have been there. How do I break this obnoxious cycle!? I had some phantom pms recently and pigged out on chocolate for about a week, augh. Work is getting easier, I'll be down to one job soon enough, that will make things far far easier. I can cook on my days off and freeze stuff. This needs to be a thing, for sure. I was off yesterday, but it was my first day off in 10 days so I just didn't want to do ANYTHING. Once I am down to one job, I'm going to go back to the gym as well. I feel pretty blah, down on myself, I need to get moving again. It's getting more difficult, but I got rid of all my 'fatter clothes' so there is no going back. :) I've relost a few more lbs. A couple more to go till I'm back at ticker weight. Hopefully this time I can keep it down and go a little below that. This post ...

Where has my spark gone? So the other day I commented on a blog post written by  Rejecting 300  that was about, where do you find motivation once it's fizzled out? Basically, I am committed, I keep plugging along, whether I'm motivated or not. It's not as fun when you're not motivated, but it still gets the job done. I haven't been to the gym in forever, I've been lucky to have one day off a week. BUT, this past week I had some time to relax and this coming week I will have two days off IN A ROW! (I'll be out of town staying at my moms since last week didn't work out, but it's okay, she has a treadmill!). I told Rejecting 300 that I was going to go to bed, and wake up the next day and hope that spark had returned. It didn't though. But, I stayed on plan, I tracked, and at the end of the night when Joey asked if I wanted to go out to eat, I said no, I'd had my cals. I must say I made myself proud. :) Getting it back Then today, I woke ...

Well, the last two days have been better. I started having a protein shake for breakfast again, cutting back down to a moderate amount of carbs and that has pretty much gotten rid of carb cravings. I'm thankful for that realization. Today I'm headed to the gym. I only went once last week because of pain, but after a horrible flare last night, it seems to have eased up, so I'm going to go today and take it easy. I'm going to go 3 times this week for 45 mins each. Same next week, and the week after that, an hour, until I can build up to 5 days a week for one  hour. I feel like things are finally getting back on track. My schedule at work is starting to ease up, I've had plenty of time to work on my book. I hired a freelance editor and she is available for me starting October 3rd so I have plenty of time to get the rewrites done. I'm never off on Sundays! I"m off today and it's going to be an awesome productive day. Later tonight Joey and I are goi...

So, I just wanted to let you guys know I have been talking to the woman who runs  www.yummyplants.com  and I'm going to write an article for her site. It was suggested I write about the health benefits I've experienced since switching to a plant based diet and different things about my experiences with obesity, maybe touch on childhood obesity. It will be an article style, not blog, but I just wanted to let everyone know to check out her site, it's really great and it's for anyone, not just vegans, even if you are just looking to add more healthy fruits/veggies to your diet, it's full of restaurant reviews and recipes and also has a forum so be sure to check it out. I have another job interview on Wednesday. I'm excited, I think I would do great at this place and I feel really confident.  I'll let you all know if I hear back. Today I went looking to buy a new outfit for the interview. Sadly I've decided I'm not a huge fan of what I bought. I was ...

So, I wanted to start c25k but my doc is worried about my joints and said that she would prefer if I waited until I'd lost a little more weight so as not to cause more stress on my joints than necessary. I recently got a recumbent bike.  This is the one I got: So, to prevent stress on my joints, but to help build my stamina and endurance for when I am able to start c25k (hopefully June 19th, that's when my second four month goal time allotment ends) I'm doing it on my bike. I mean it's really just interval training, and it will prepare me for 'the real thing' in June. I do a speed of about 10-12 on the bike on low resistance for the 'walking' portion, and then I up it to 15-16 for the "running" portion.  I'm pretty excited about this. Tomorrow is week 1, "run" 2. Tonight I did 10 miles on the bike at a consistent speed of about 11-12 and I feel great. :) I never trust what the machines say for 'calories burned' but...

So, I was reading a really interesting blog today over at  Escape from Obesity . She was asking what it is that keeps people going even when they aren't motivated. Anyhow, this was my reply, I thought I would share it here: -- I got to the point in my life where I realized that I want to be healthy more than I want to abuse myself with food. When I have slower losses, or am having a TOM craving, I just have to keep in mind that I've undone the progress I've made so many times over the years, and I am just at a place where I'm sick of it and not willing to let myself do that again.  Therapy has helped a lot. Blogging helps, I blog every day on spark, for accountability alone, and then I keep my beyondwillpower blog for the 'big things'.  When I ask myself what it is, it's just that I'm fed up. I'm 31 and still morbidly obese. This will only get more difficult the older I get. My real dad died at 47 from diabetes complications and he pretty much...

~*~*~I'm gluten free and vegan~*~*~ As are all my recipes Almost all of my recipes serve 2, many with enough for leftovers This one easily serves two but I was REALLY hungry! So, when I woke up I was starving, had eaten an early dinner so by the time morning rolled around I was so hungry I felt nauseous. So, I needed something quick, and high protein, because if you read  yesterday's blog  you'll see I thought I was feeling mentally weak because I could not keep food off my mind. Thanks to  ~Darla~  I realized it was not mental weakness, it was physical. While my carb intake was as usual, even with the bread I had, my protein and fiber were both very low. Fiber was half what it normally is, and protein was less than a third what it normally is! So, on days when I wake up needing protein I have scrambled tofu. Today I was craving some spice, and crunch, so I decided on scrambled tofu tacos: This was so quick and easy I didn't even write it on the drawing boa...

Well, today was our anniv! Joey and I have been together for 16 years, and to the person who basically asked "HOW?!" in regards to my age, ha, I'm 31!!!!! haha. We have been together since I was 15 and he was 14. :D We had a fabulous day! I woke up and made us breakfast. I made banana, strawberry, kiwi and protein powder smoothies with a bit of Silk and vanilla extract. The bananas were frozen so it was absolutely amazing! Healthy anniversary breakfast smoothies! We also each had a quarter cup of assorted raw nuts...Have I mentioned how much I love my ninja yet? In case I haven't... FABULOUS! We let our stomach's settle by watching a bit of How I Met Your Mother that we needed to catch up on and then we exercised! I did the elliptical for about 5 mins, then I did some kinect your shape cardio, three sessions with the 'personal trainer'. That was 20 mins, and I ended it with another 5 mins on the elliptical. Joey did the kinect while I elliptical...

I stopped in target to do some shopping last night and picked up some new placemats and a few assorted colors and styles of dishes and bowls to use to make the blog nicer. Here is my first pic, I replaced the old pic of the basil red pepper pasta with veggies.  Wooo! I'm totally sprucing this place up! ;) Also, I know I'm most likely the only one excited about this one, but today is me and my bf's anniversary. It has been 16 glorious years, everyday I'm more happy than the last. Every day, I don't know that I could be more happy and yet the next day comes and there it is. More good times, more happy. :) I know he's reading this, so happy anniv, love! :) We have a full day ahead planned for us, and I will post later tonight about what we did since it's definitely weight loss relevant. ;)

I just realized it's been over a month since I took my last measurements and this morning I felt extra curvy so I thought I'd take them. ;)  Also, I realize the  last measurements  I posted were not totals from starting they were totals from my most recent measurement, I finally found my starting measurements so now I can do a proper tally! I have lost  5  inches off my bust I have lost  6  inches off my waist  I have lost  6  inches off my hips Total: 17 inches Total inches lost since last measurements taken: 3.5 inches

So I went shopping the other day. I had posted those pics in this blog post  with my before and current pics. I had gone to buy some new tank tops and also picked up that cute lavender type top. I bought two size 3x tank tops along with other stuff. I tried them on before buying them. I came home and was pretty happy with them, put them away and didn't think much about it until later. A day or so goes by and I put one on to wear around in the house with my jammie pants. Suddenly I realize that this shirt is way too big. Joey mentioned it as well, like, why did you buy new clothes that are too big? Wasn't the point that all your old clothes were too big? What is it that I see? Have any of you done this? I was just so confused, what was it that I saw when I looked in the mirror in the dressing room? What made me think those tanks fit me? I could have easily gotten a 2x. I even washed and dried them this week, nope, still too big. I think maybe I can't see myself being ...

Heya, just wanted to let everyone know that I have a story over at  http://www.theplantrx.com  where I'm featured as the success story of the week. Check it out and be sure to check the site out! It's very informative! I loved the video on that site with an interview with clinton about how he went vegan after his heart surgery:

I have some amazing friends. Most are currently my diet buddies, one or two I want to be my diet buddies, and still others I wish were still my diet buddies. For those who I'd like to follow me on a path to good health and for those who used to and I wish would come back and for those who are frustrated endlessly by their supposed lack of "willpower", I feel the need to acknowledge that it will only come when they want it to. When they wake up one day and staying fat is more difficult than losing weight. When I was at my heaviest (299 lbs) I was pretty miserable. I thought for sure that I would never be able to get myself out of the mess I'd gotten myself in to.  Me at 299 lbs I thought in my most desperate moments,  maybe I'd get "the surgery". My bf was so against it though, and honestly the statistics were not that impressive. I couldn't afford to be one of the huge percentage of people who regained their weight after going through the ...

This post was inspired by a blog I read called  My Effortless Vegan Weight Loss  over at  www.vegansoapbox.com : It got me thinking about my motivations as far as veganism goes. I will say I am not a fan of PETA so with all of their outrageous efforts to convert people, I most likely would have converted sooner if not for them. Seeing this ad did not make me want to 'go veg', it pretty much just made me feel like shit and if I had seen it a few years ago I most likely would have gone and eaten a full order of wings to drown my big fat sorrows. Annoying PETA ad:  When I watched  Food, Inc  sometime last year, I started to get really aware of just how horrific modern agriculture (aka, big food) really is. The changes I made to my diet happened slowly over the course of 2009-2010. After I went vegan  I started buying as much local organic stuff as possible. Food, Inc trailer: So anyhow, I did originally go vegetarian in July 2009 for healt...

So last night my bf says, "You look smaller. Your hips look smaller." I kind of disregarded it because my hips are normally one of the last things to go. ha. I'm pretty 'curvy' in general. ( my pics ) So this morning I decided to take my measurements again. I haven't taken them for awhile. I sadly don't think I took 'starting' measurements but I did take some a couple months ago. So, this is how much I've lost!: I've lost 3.5 inches off my bust! I've lost 2 inches off my waist I've lost 2 inches off my hips At the very least it's nice to see that I'm losing uniformly in regards to my current body shape (hourglass) cuz I would hate to lose the one good attribute to my body! ha.  My bust is generally 6 inches bigger than my waist and my hips are 9-10 inches bigger than my waist so my loss keeps all that in check. haha. ;)

Well, i thought it would be fitting to eat a salad and watch a documentary on obesity while i did my collage. Also my cat wanted to help. :) Here are a few pics of the finished product :    Everyone should check out the documentary Killer at Large.