Beyond Willpower

Before I say anything else let me just say... I used to use blogger because I hated wordpress. Now bloggers interface is a bit more like wordpress. HATE! ehem... Anyhow...I'm doing good. I'm still on plan, exercising, I've started taking lyrica and working more hours. Things are going well. The pain is bad sometimes, tear inducing honestly, but...I hope the lyrica kicks in full force in the next few weeks as I increase the dose and I can start feeling better. I am doing my pt. I'm eating well. I've been taking a banana and nuts with me to work for lunch and staying AWAY from the pizza place. I think I Should start juicing in the morning and taking it to work with me to drink throughout the day. Oh btw, I had made a post a few weeks back about wanting to go to cedar point. I am an idiot. I can't go to cedar point because amusement park rides DESTROY MY BODY. When I went to kennywood last year I could only stay a couple of hours and it was so painful...

My sister, her fiance' and me and my bf want to all go to cedar point this august. As of last year at 240 lbs I could fit in all the rides at kennywood, but I hear that for a couple of the rides at Cedar Point (millennium force and top thrill dragster) you need to be of certain weight/height. (under 200 lbs or under a size 18 for a woman.) I'm under a size 18 at like 230-240 so since I'm not 5 feet tall I should be fine if I can lose some before August to get me back down to a 16. Millenium Force: Top Thrill Dragster: Anyhow, I haven't felt this peppy about weight loss in awhile. Guess I just needed some type of outside goal. I froze the cupcakes! Giving more away today when I see my friend. It was fun though. :)

Today we went to Kennywood Will my fat ass fit in this ride? I remember not going for the longest time, because I was sure I wouldn't fit in some of the rides. Honestly at 255 lbs two years ago, I barely fit in some of them. This year, at 228 lbs, I fit everything just fine, but was still a little nervous about certain rides and one I won't ride at all after my hips got stuck, even though I was 299 lbs at the time. Anyhow, it got me thinking about all the fat people there, about how they seemed so oblivious to their size, squishing the bars over extended bellies, if I have to struggle to put a safety latch into place, I'm not taking the chance. 1.) The chance I'll fall out because the latch didn't take (unlikely, I know) 2.) the chance that people will see me struggling with my own fat. (far more likely). So for years I just didn't ride.  The everyday indulgence I overheard people saying things that had come out of my mouth for years. "We HAVE to get pot...

So I watched a couple episodes of season 4, I think it was 8-9 and 10. It is so difficult to watch her backslide. If any of you are not familiar, google ruby gettinger, she has a show on the Style network about her journey from a high weight of 700+ lbs. She's now down to about 359, but she was down to 302 at one point recently. I see her struggling and I can FEEL it. I feel the way food has so much control over people like us, with a clear addiction. I can see this past week when I was pmsing and even as I feared for slipping back into old bad habits I still ate things I shouldn't, I pictured myself ending up back at 299 lbs or more and wondering how I got there, but still I ate. Luckily for me it was only 1 week of maintenance instead of a few months and a 50 lb gain, but to me it was enough to scare me straight back on track. I'm looking to the future, seeing myself riding roller coasters this summer with my sister and bf and other friends at Kennywood,: I hope ...