Beyond Willpower

My sister, her fiance' and me and my bf want to all go to cedar point this august. As of last year at 240 lbs I could fit in all the rides at kennywood, but I hear that for a couple of the rides at Cedar Point (millennium force and top thrill dragster) you need to be of certain weight/height. (under 200 lbs or under a size 18 for a woman.) I'm under a size 18 at like 230-240 so since I'm not 5 feet tall I should be fine if I can lose some before August to get me back down to a 16. Millenium Force: Top Thrill Dragster: Anyhow, I haven't felt this peppy about weight loss in awhile. Guess I just needed some type of outside goal. I froze the cupcakes! Giving more away today when I see my friend. It was fun though. :)

So last night I went out with a new friend I met online. We were talking about my area where I live, and how people will yell stuff at me. I once had someone throw a half eaten apple at my head as they yelled "Fat bitch!" He said I need to move. ha. That would be admitting defeat! :P Anyhow, a friend of mine recently had a similar experience. Mind you this girl is a healthy weight, downright thin now, she's lost a good bit. She texted me pretty furious that some girls said something like, "Can you believe she left the house in that? Look at that spare tire." She was wearing a winter coat and jeans so something tells me that she heard the wrong part of a conversation unrelated to herself and internalized it. BUT...that doesn't mean that people don't still say rude things to thin people.  I am so over wanting to lose weight for other people, or so people will see me in a certain way. I don't care. If someone called me a fat bitch today, that ...

Where has my spark gone? So the other day I commented on a blog post written by  Rejecting 300  that was about, where do you find motivation once it's fizzled out? Basically, I am committed, I keep plugging along, whether I'm motivated or not. It's not as fun when you're not motivated, but it still gets the job done. I haven't been to the gym in forever, I've been lucky to have one day off a week. BUT, this past week I had some time to relax and this coming week I will have two days off IN A ROW! (I'll be out of town staying at my moms since last week didn't work out, but it's okay, she has a treadmill!). I told Rejecting 300 that I was going to go to bed, and wake up the next day and hope that spark had returned. It didn't though. But, I stayed on plan, I tracked, and at the end of the night when Joey asked if I wanted to go out to eat, I said no, I'd had my cals. I must say I made myself proud. :) Getting it back Then today, I woke ...

"We may think there is willpower involved, but more likely...change is due to want power. Wanting the new addiction more than the old one. Wanting the new me in preference to the person I am now." -- George Sheehan I've always had an addictive personality, I overdo EVERYTHING, so it's good that I stayed away from drugs and alcohol and cigarettes and all that throughout my life.  I've stayed away from most negative things that are harmful to your health and mental well being...except food in excess.  I am a food addict I hear a lot of my friends tell me that they don't want to get 'all obsessed with dieting' and they want to live their lives like a normal healthy person. I get that, I do. Wouldn't it be fabulous? Unfortunately, I not only have no desire for such 'normalcy', I also think I would be incapable of it. Like an Addict who goes to AA/NA meetings and becomes obsessed/addicted to recovery or religion, I have become obsessed...

So, I was reading a really interesting blog today over at  Escape from Obesity . She was asking what it is that keeps people going even when they aren't motivated. Anyhow, this was my reply, I thought I would share it here: -- I got to the point in my life where I realized that I want to be healthy more than I want to abuse myself with food. When I have slower losses, or am having a TOM craving, I just have to keep in mind that I've undone the progress I've made so many times over the years, and I am just at a place where I'm sick of it and not willing to let myself do that again.  Therapy has helped a lot. Blogging helps, I blog every day on spark, for accountability alone, and then I keep my beyondwillpower blog for the 'big things'.  When I ask myself what it is, it's just that I'm fed up. I'm 31 and still morbidly obese. This will only get more difficult the older I get. My real dad died at 47 from diabetes complications and he pretty much...

I just realized it's been over a month since I took my last measurements and this morning I felt extra curvy so I thought I'd take them. ;)  Also, I realize the  last measurements  I posted were not totals from starting they were totals from my most recent measurement, I finally found my starting measurements so now I can do a proper tally! I have lost  5  inches off my bust I have lost  6  inches off my waist  I have lost  6  inches off my hips Total: 17 inches Total inches lost since last measurements taken: 3.5 inches

So I went shopping the other day. I had posted those pics in this blog post  with my before and current pics. I had gone to buy some new tank tops and also picked up that cute lavender type top. I bought two size 3x tank tops along with other stuff. I tried them on before buying them. I came home and was pretty happy with them, put them away and didn't think much about it until later. A day or so goes by and I put one on to wear around in the house with my jammie pants. Suddenly I realize that this shirt is way too big. Joey mentioned it as well, like, why did you buy new clothes that are too big? Wasn't the point that all your old clothes were too big? What is it that I see? Have any of you done this? I was just so confused, what was it that I saw when I looked in the mirror in the dressing room? What made me think those tanks fit me? I could have easily gotten a 2x. I even washed and dried them this week, nope, still too big. I think maybe I can't see myself being ...

Wow. I have not been feeling well. All sorts of health issues were happening all at once. Hypomania, infected tooth, severe tummy troubles caused by my fibro pain meds, a fibro flare and severe insomnia. Through it all though I managed to not gain! Even though my satiety signals, once my mood destabilized, were ENTIRELY turned off. So strange, I googled, it seems to be a thing with brain chemicals and blah blah. So when I first noticed it and googled it, and was aware, I calmed down and dealt with the hunger, knowing it would pass once I got things under control. I'm feeling about 90% better. I think by tomorrow I'll be all better. I have FOUR doc appts this week anyhow. blah. Well, my weight has gone from 299 to 250 lbs . I am ONE measly lb away from a 50 lb loss, but, I had bought some new clothes (from target's plus section, I have not been able to fit in even their plus stuff before!) I'm generally currently a 2-3X, at target I was a 3-4X, which is fine, at le...

I've decided to finally make an 'official' vision collage. My fridge has had quotes and pics and such on it for weight loss motivation for just over a year. But I was slacking. I'm gonna put stuff like motivational quotes, pictures of myself from now, before, and in 2004 when I was about 70 lbs thinner, little happy sayings and smiley faces. It'll be a good time. I'm gonna put it on my cork board. I'll do the top half maybe? Or the side? And use it more like a timeline. Maybe fill it all up and change it around as I lose and other things become important? I don't know. I just know I feel like this will be something important for me. My cork board currently has all this stuff on it: It's mostly really old stuff I'll be packing away in my memory box, that stuff is old me, it's time for new me. :)