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Giving it your all

Making changes

I know that everyone says "You have to do it for you" regarding lots of changes we make in life, including weight loss. I also know this is an unpopular opinion to many, but I have been in a place in my life in the past with other issues, where I was just not strong enough, nor did I care ENOUGH about myself to make the necessary changes.

I'm bipolar and when I was younger (around 19) and my current bf (now of 16 years) moved in, I saw how the bipolar was terrorizing him, I sought treatment, I spent 5 years trying meds that DID. NOT. WORK. and caused me tons of suffering all because I had to at least TRY. I tried numerous therapies, medications, hell I even tried to meditate. Hard to do with manic racing thoughts though. ha.



Don't stop believing

Anyhow, the point is, today I am here, 31, an age I never thought I'd make it to due to my bipolar. Every DAY after 30 is a gift. The fifth year of my med trials and treatments, I was taken off all 7 of the zombifying drugs I was on and put on Abilify.

 It has changed my life. No side effects and I can honestly say I am stable, content, happy to be me. The point is, I did all that for him. I was a walking time bomb, I didn't care about myself before, I just knew I saw pain and suffering in his eyes as he watched me destroy myself.

 Now a days, I do it for me, because I don't want to lose who I am now. I never want to be the girl using the psych hospital like a 'revolving door' ever again, I don't want to need that kind of help in my life. I am grateful it was available to me when I was unwell, but when you leave they all wish you well and say "We hope to never see you again!" and I hope they never do.

What are you willing to do for those you love and who love you?

My point? Sometimes in the moment when we most need to make big changes in our lives, we are just unable to do it FOR ourselves. We might have the desire, but we lack the passion or commitment or the self-respect, so I say if you can't do it for yourself, if you try and fail and try and fail, try doing it for someone you love.

In regards to weight, I love my bf dearly and I want us to both just live forever or at least grow old together, it's important that we both be healthy for that to happen. I don't want to leave behind my friends or people I love early because I couldn't manage to put down the junk food.

 I am aware I have an addiction and when you do, it's so easy for everything to be clouded by it, by excuses, by justifications that FEEL so real to you at the time but really.....if you look objectively, are bs.

Look at someone you love, be it platonic, family or romantic, who doesn't want to lose you (and who you don't want to leave behind) and tell them you'd rather have junk food than stick around and grow old together.

Some day we'll be grey hairs!

It's time...

I just couldn't do it, it was time to do something. Joey was so concerned for my health, I wanted gastric bypass, I felt weak, I didn't feel worth the fabulous life of a thin person after all I'd put my body through. Once again, I started on a path to wellness, a different kind of wellness maybe, for someone else, and here I am to tell you, you will start to do it for you once you realize just how worth it you are.

Nothing in life is a hard and fast rule, and this approach may not work for everyone, but people discount it so quickly I thought I'd stand up for it for once. Basically don't shut down any approach, if it might help you get there, try it. Give it your all, for yourself, or for your loved ones.


*Thanks supermom blues, for sending that link to Ruby's blog in my comment section. I appreciate it. I adore her! Anyhow I wrote her a comment and part of it I mentioned her friends, and how lucky she is to have supportive people in her life and how lucky they are to have her. That's where this blog post came from*

Comments

  1. I totally understand what you are saying. I've gone though so many years of emotional healing for my son and my husband (even before I met him, in the hopes of meeting someone special and being healed so I didn't ruin the relationship). But it's one of the most painful things I've had to do. Oh yes, let's rip open the wounds and allow the holes in my soul to bleed all over, becuase it's just so much fun. Uh-huh.

    Without the desire to be healthy for my son and my new husband, there is no way I would go through that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is the kind of thing I've been needing to hear lately. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Rawgirl: I feel ya!

    Stentor: You're welcome!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree with you, and I've been there.

    I had bulimia between the ages of 13 and 23. Even though I stopped purging at 23, I didn't stop binging and I gained a lot of weight. When I met my now-husband at 31, I was on my way back down the scale thanks to phentermine, but I was still really strugging with the urge to relapse. No one *wants* to be sick with bulimia, but the self destructive urges are really hard to leave behind.

    I promised my husband that I wouldn't do that behavior anymore. Over time, I did it because I was far enough along that I chose it for myself, but there were plenty of times that I didn't eat half a bottle of laxatives or force drink two liters of water so I'd throw up...all because I made a promise to someone else I wasn't willing to break.

    Even now, I won't use the Spark water tracker because I won't force myself to drink water. I used to use it to purge with. If I don't want eight glasses today, I'm not drinking eight glasses today.

    I am not bipolar, but I had a three week stint in a psych hospital myself back in 1993. I have clinical depression and I've made peace with my meds. I get you there too.

    The way I see it, whatever it takes to get us healthy is just fine. If it starts out that you're doing something for someone else more than yourself...well, it'll broaden with time.

    *HUGS*

    ReplyDelete

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