Beyond Willpower

So I did the cleanse for two days, I woke up this morning after going grocery shopping last night and realized that I'll be cooking all day today (didn't have time yesterday, so many errands to run!) so I figured I'd end up eating something I cooked today. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'll be making healthy foods. For breakfast I had a banana, a handful of almonds, and some corn flakes in soy milk. Today will be a busy day since I need to cook and do laundry and clean. But, cooking is the #1 priority. I bought a bunch of new tupperware!!!!! Let's do this! Also, as far as me finding a more intuitive way to eat...I've decided to stop eating when I sigh. I KNOW that's when I'm full, I'm doing this deep sigh to make room for more food. No more stuffing myself, when I sigh, I'm DONE. No matter how much or little is on my plate.

I wish I hadn't had such a difficult year. I wish I hadn't abandoned this blog and myself in the process. As you can see from my ticker I've gained all my weight back. Well, it's time to start over. Today is day two of a juice/raw food cleanse that I plan to do for 3 days. (Basically while I"m off work). Joey bought me some tupperware, and I plan to spend today and tomorrow bulk cooking. I'm going to freeze a TON of stuff to take to work for lunch. Lunches at work are costing me about 100$ per month and countless pounds. When I worked part time it was so easy. But now....at work I don't bring food, so I eat pizza, then I come home and I'm just exhausted and I want to eat and not have to clean up a mess, so I eat out, probably something fried and unhealthy. Well, as of yesterday, that is stopping. My fibro is really getting to me with this weather and all the gluten and dairy I'm eating. Hence the cleanse, I just need all that crap out of my ...

Wow. It's been since MAY. and before May, I was already struggling. I've had some issues. For one, I switched birth control. I was trying out one of those ones where you only get it every 3 months. I was getting mine every 6 weeks. It just wasn't working. It also gave me the worst PMS style cravings every minute of every day. If I could have eaten a deep fried, chocolate covered, ice cream topped pizza every day I would have. It was pretty awful. Then, to make matters worse, I went back on lyrica (weight gainer). I stayed on it way past the point where it actually worked. I stopped being gluten free and I even ate dairy because my pain had gotten better. Now my pain is back, the drug isn't working, and it never EVER worked as well as being gluten free and vegan did. Also, I was searching for my first full time job since 2005 when I went on disability. I have now worked my way OFF disability and have gotten a new full time job as an optician. I'm VERY happy at ...

So I just read this post  about 'letting it all hang out' in the summer, by Fluvia Lacerda, a Brazilian plus size model. She. Is. Gorgeous. First, let me say, my 'thinspiration' pics are always plus size models. I have no desire to be skinny. I want to ROCK my curves. Anyhow, this is what the lovely Fluvia Lacerda looks like: So she writes this blog post about how you should accept your fat body and don't care about the judgements from other people, etc, etc. I'm thinking to myself, she looks amazing, who is judging her? Then I google her and find a 'celebrity weight gain' site that is talking all kinds of smack on her 'chunky arms' and her 'expanding waistline'. I want to cry. Seriously. If you can look like THAT and still get insulted by these people (who are the equivilant to me, of frat boys yelling "fat bitch" at me from their porch) then I just hate this world.  I ASPIRE to be as 'fat' and 'chunky'...

Well, I'm still losing!!!! I will update my ticker once a month after my study appt. But just wanted to let you know that I'm back in the game and still going strong! Tonight will be about a week and a half on Lyrica. I'm feeling good. I plan to do yoga tonight. It will be my first time doing it in a long time. But once I get off here I am going to go ahead and get to it! Tonight for dinner I made gluten free, vegan spinach alfredo. Yum! Be sure to check out my recipe here: "Nothing to say but Mmmm", vegan alfredo There is a strange peace in not struggling with your emotions and motivation (or lack thereof) or you're willpower or whatever it is you want to call it. I feel truly hopeful for the first time in over a year. I just can't believe the difference coming off that bc made. Thank you portia! It's much better.  Anyhow, I'm off to do some yoga! Might go for a walk later too if joey doesn't get home too late. ...

Before I say anything else let me just say... I used to use blogger because I hated wordpress. Now bloggers interface is a bit more like wordpress. HATE! ehem... Anyhow...I'm doing good. I'm still on plan, exercising, I've started taking lyrica and working more hours. Things are going well. The pain is bad sometimes, tear inducing honestly, but...I hope the lyrica kicks in full force in the next few weeks as I increase the dose and I can start feeling better. I am doing my pt. I'm eating well. I've been taking a banana and nuts with me to work for lunch and staying AWAY from the pizza place. I think I Should start juicing in the morning and taking it to work with me to drink throughout the day. Oh btw, I had made a post a few weeks back about wanting to go to cedar point. I am an idiot. I can't go to cedar point because amusement park rides DESTROY MY BODY. When I went to kennywood last year I could only stay a couple of hours and it was so painful...

I've been struggling with coming here and writing this blog. I have been steadily gaining weight since last August. I had originally lost 80 lbs and I gained 50 of that back. I was miserable. I've finally gotten on track for realz and have lost my first 10 lbs. I will be adjusting my ticker to reflect what's really going on. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I mean...I ate too much. Yup. But why? What derailed me and what kept me off track? What got me back on track? How do I figure out how to make these backsliding episodes shorter and further in between? I am now at 40 lbs lost. Augh. I just keep telling myself I did it before I can do it again, and then some. I think what originally derailed me was work. I had started working almost full time hours last august-october, it eventually proved too much for me fibromyalgia wise, but during that time I was under a lot of stress and spent a lot of time at work, I didn't bring my own food and the only things...