Beyond Willpower

So I just read this post  about 'letting it all hang out' in the summer, by Fluvia Lacerda, a Brazilian plus size model. She. Is. Gorgeous. First, let me say, my 'thinspiration' pics are always plus size models. I have no desire to be skinny. I want to ROCK my curves. Anyhow, this is what the lovely Fluvia Lacerda looks like: So she writes this blog post about how you should accept your fat body and don't care about the judgements from other people, etc, etc. I'm thinking to myself, she looks amazing, who is judging her? Then I google her and find a 'celebrity weight gain' site that is talking all kinds of smack on her 'chunky arms' and her 'expanding waistline'. I want to cry. Seriously. If you can look like THAT and still get insulted by these people (who are the equivilant to me, of frat boys yelling "fat bitch" at me from their porch) then I just hate this world.  I ASPIRE to be as 'fat' and 'chunky'...

Well, I'm still losing!!!! I will update my ticker once a month after my study appt. But just wanted to let you know that I'm back in the game and still going strong! Tonight will be about a week and a half on Lyrica. I'm feeling good. I plan to do yoga tonight. It will be my first time doing it in a long time. But once I get off here I am going to go ahead and get to it! Tonight for dinner I made gluten free, vegan spinach alfredo. Yum! Be sure to check out my recipe here: "Nothing to say but Mmmm", vegan alfredo There is a strange peace in not struggling with your emotions and motivation (or lack thereof) or you're willpower or whatever it is you want to call it. I feel truly hopeful for the first time in over a year. I just can't believe the difference coming off that bc made. Thank you portia! It's much better.  Anyhow, I'm off to do some yoga! Might go for a walk later too if joey doesn't get home too late. ...

Before I say anything else let me just say... I used to use blogger because I hated wordpress. Now bloggers interface is a bit more like wordpress. HATE! ehem... Anyhow...I'm doing good. I'm still on plan, exercising, I've started taking lyrica and working more hours. Things are going well. The pain is bad sometimes, tear inducing honestly, but...I hope the lyrica kicks in full force in the next few weeks as I increase the dose and I can start feeling better. I am doing my pt. I'm eating well. I've been taking a banana and nuts with me to work for lunch and staying AWAY from the pizza place. I think I Should start juicing in the morning and taking it to work with me to drink throughout the day. Oh btw, I had made a post a few weeks back about wanting to go to cedar point. I am an idiot. I can't go to cedar point because amusement park rides DESTROY MY BODY. When I went to kennywood last year I could only stay a couple of hours and it was so painful...

I've been struggling with coming here and writing this blog. I have been steadily gaining weight since last August. I had originally lost 80 lbs and I gained 50 of that back. I was miserable. I've finally gotten on track for realz and have lost my first 10 lbs. I will be adjusting my ticker to reflect what's really going on. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I mean...I ate too much. Yup. But why? What derailed me and what kept me off track? What got me back on track? How do I figure out how to make these backsliding episodes shorter and further in between? I am now at 40 lbs lost. Augh. I just keep telling myself I did it before I can do it again, and then some. I think what originally derailed me was work. I had started working almost full time hours last august-october, it eventually proved too much for me fibromyalgia wise, but during that time I was under a lot of stress and spent a lot of time at work, I didn't bring my own food and the only things...

My sister, her fiance' and me and my bf want to all go to cedar point this august. As of last year at 240 lbs I could fit in all the rides at kennywood, but I hear that for a couple of the rides at Cedar Point (millennium force and top thrill dragster) you need to be of certain weight/height. (under 200 lbs or under a size 18 for a woman.) I'm under a size 18 at like 230-240 so since I'm not 5 feet tall I should be fine if I can lose some before August to get me back down to a 16. Millenium Force: Top Thrill Dragster: Anyhow, I haven't felt this peppy about weight loss in awhile. Guess I just needed some type of outside goal. I froze the cupcakes! Giving more away today when I see my friend. It was fun though. :)

Well, I finally got my cupcake stuff in the mail yesterday, but I wasn't here, I was down home. I came home today and made two different styles of cupcake. I made a chocolate espresso coconut one: and a far less glamorous but equally tasty peanut butter filled and frosted one: These are both recipes from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World . I did half ass it a little cuz I was out of gluten free all purpose flour, so I bought a couple of boxes of gluten free cake mix and used that instead. Still yummy! Giving some away to the neighbors, saving me from myself! Back on track tomorrow!

Well, I ended up being able to come down home for Easter dinner. My mom doesn't really know what to cook for me, I don't make it easy that's for sure. So I brought some materials to make my own food. I'm making pasta in a veggie/"meat" sauce, and I also made a banana toffee pudding pie with a graham cracker style crust made from gluten free chex cereal, butter and almond milk.... and of course, the staple, peanut butter blondies. (Who doesn't love peanut butter?! Come on now....) I'll post a picture of the pie later, right now blog booster is not cooperating. It came out good though. :) I also made a gf bob's red mill wholesome something or other bread. It's way better than other ones I've tried. Very soft and fluffy. I also made it with some garlic salt and basil. It's really good! Anyhow, happy to be home, glad I brought some food. :) It was a pain but I like baking. Back on track monday!