Skip to main content

"A year from now you'll be glad you started today..." --For my friends --

I have some amazing friends. Most are currently my diet buddies, one or two I want to be my diet buddies, and still others I wish were still my diet buddies.

For those who I'd like to follow me on a path to good health and for those who used to and I wish would come back and for those who are frustrated endlessly by their supposed lack of "willpower", I feel the need to acknowledge that it will only come when they want it to. When they wake up one day and staying fat is more difficult than losing weight.

When I was at my heaviest (299 lbs) I was pretty miserable. I thought for sure that I would never be able to get myself out of the mess I'd gotten myself in to. 

Me at 299 lbs

I thought in my most desperate moments,  maybe I'd get "the surgery". My bf was so against it though, and honestly the statistics were not that impressive. I couldn't afford to be one of the huge percentage of people who regained their weight after going through the physical trauma of a big surgery like that. If I felt bad now, I imagined I'd feel worse after taking such an extreme route and still not getting to where I wanted to be, and staying there.

Mostly since 2004, when I first started to "seriously" diet (I had dieted on and off my entire life but knew little about what I was doing and never lost more than 20 lbs), I'd yo-yo'ed a lot. A LOT. I started at 260, went on atkins for 4 months and lost 70 lbs. 190 is my lowest adult weight:

Me at 190:

All it took to undo all that work was 1 bowl of pasta on my 9 year anniversary. Once I got back up to 260, I felt completely out of control. I had regained 70 lbs as quickly as I had lost it, in four months. Then I just kept gaining until I had a doc appt and they told me I was 299.

I knew things had to change, but I was feeling so hopeless. My goal at that point was so far away. I can't say there was a magical moment when I woke up and knew 'today would be the day' when I magically lost 44 lbs to bring me to where I'm at today (still with so far to go). I think I just had to have hope that regardless of the work it would take and above all else, the time it would take, I had to do it. 

I was killing myself and the further I got from goal the harder it would be and the longer it would take to fight my way back. I had to start somewhere. It took awhile of yo-yoing up and down a bit before this latest attempt, that has felt so much more a (cliche', but true) "lifestyle change" than anything I'd ever done before. 

Often, my breakfasts looked like this: about 600 calories and 18 grams of fat (not including the potato pancakes I would get as a side)

I finally figured, so what if it takes me a couple years to get to goal? The time will pass anyhow. As they say on one of my forums, "A year from now you'll be glad you started today."

My breakfasts now look like this: 240 calories and 5 grams of fat

I don't feel deprived, though I'm sure I was whiny at first. I love to cook though. I think it's a matter of learning to love the things you must do to succeed. It doesn't happen overnight. I need fabulous tasty meals to keep me on track, so not only did I learn to love eating veggie, then later vegan meals, I learned to love preparing them. I learned to love exercise. I like the feeling, my mood is so improved after doing even just the little I am physically able to. I have fibromyalgia so I can't do much at the moment but am slowly working it up. 

One of my favorite quotes from this forum I frequent online that one of the users originally said I guess, and everyone now repeats, is: 

Losing weight is hard, maintaining weight is hard, staying fat is hard - choose your hard. 

I can only speak for myself. One day I woke up and staying fat was harder than trying my hardest to lose weight. You get sick of spilling out of your bras, of it being impossible to wear clothes and be comfortable. It gets harder and harder to ignore the stares, the cruel words, or at the opposite end of the spectrum, the being totally invisible.

I couldn't stand the feeling of being trapped in my body. It just didn't feel like me anymore. It had to change. Then, it started to. 

Me at just about 255 lbs (most recent)

I can't say that there is no going back. That I will never ever regain. That I will make it to goal without a hitch. No one can know those sorts of things. All I can say is that I'm going to keep trying. I want more than anything to be in that 5% of people who lose 30+ lbs and keep it off for at least a year.  *EDIT TO ADD: The statistics by the national weight loss registry have been updated to 10-20% which is better, but still not great."* But we are the only ones who can change them. 

This post is for anyone who needs it, but originally inspired by those friends mentioned above. All I can do is tell my story and be here for you when you're ready to join me. No pressure. 

P.S - Change is uncomfortable for awhile. If it's not, you aren't doing it right. 

Have any of you started to lose weight? Are any of you at goal? What got you started and what kept/keeps you going?


  1.'s Anastasia from PPK, aka The Veganbetic! What a wonderful blog you have! I'm going to backtrack and read all your entries starting tomorrow. I congratulate you on your successes...and I love your quote about change; it's absolutely true.

    I committed to a total revamping of my diet in May 2010 while at a starting weight of 250 pounds. I have lost somewhat more than 50 pounds so far; I will know exactly what I weigh tomorrow after my MD appointment. I'm five feet two inches tall, and my goal weight (which seems reasonable for a woman pushing 50) is 130 pounds, so I do have a way to go.

    What got me started was my Type II diabetes and going vegan to try to reverse it. Getting my HbA1C down from 14 to 5.4 has been, in some ways, more of a triumph for me than losing the 50 pounds because of what that low number represents...which leads me now to what keeps me going on this lifestyle change: I have seen diabetics neglect their health and end up with amputations, cardiac issues, and something that I personally dread even more than these: kidney failure, which is a truly horrible way to die.

    So there you have it. I'm very happy with these changes I've made, and I don't see myself backsliding ever again!

  2. You're right, we ARE the only ones who can change them! And we are doing it!

    I adore that quote. It's hard in all three scenarios, but I agree, staying fat is the worst of the hard. I remember the first time I realized I couldn't find bras that fit anymore, and also the first time I was too big for all the pants in Avenue. The 26's in Macy's still fit, I guess the designers are more generous with their sizing. But still. Where was I going to buy clothes?

    When I stopped taking all the stupid pain meds my doctors were pumping into me ~ which weren't taking away enough pain anyway ~ my body finally started being able to lose weight. You know me from Spark and that I am 49 pounds down since last May.

    This losing weight thing is downright easy compared to being fat.

  3. Okay, I am laughing...the code word I got to prove I wasn't a bot on that last post was "larddys." Sounds a lot like lard ass. Ironic. lol

  4. You are so hot! I love the hair and wish I had the guts to do that to my hair. Love your blog and look forward to following your progress.


Post a Comment

Thanks for your comment!

Popular posts from this blog

How Intuitive eating (did not) work for me

So I have spent roughly the last year and a half or more trying to lose weight by eating intuitively. I'm not really great at it. I have lost 30 lbs in a year and a half, it's moving at such a snails pace that I have finally decided that the only thing that works for me is tracking, and even though in my head I know I won't possibly do it forever, I have to go back to it.

So, Joey and I are tracking again, so far so good. It's only been a few days, but it at least hasn't been a struggle. I figure we will stay where we are calorie wise and after about a month and hopefully some loss (not being too focused on the scale though, it's been my downfall in the past) we can reduce our calories a little bit at a time.

I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel kind of down that I did so poorly with intuitive eating. Then again I probably wouldn't be fat if I were good at that sort of thing. :P Here's to being "On Plan." :D

Also, my job has finall…

I Was a Fat Bride

Our wedding pictures are the first thing you see when you walk into our home. 

Joey and I have been together for over 22 years. We've both gained and lost a lot of weight over the course of our relationship. Then we regained, and re-lost, you know how it goes. We got married on our 19 year anniversary, which is in March.  We had decided to get married just four months prior. So after what our friends teased was a 'brief 19 year courtship", we decided to just go ahead and do it. I know there are a million blogs and articles about losing weight for your wedding. This is not one of them. I had four months to lose weight. I don't really even remember what was going on, but I had NO desire to diet or attempt to lose weight and so I just...didn't. Joey lost a bit of weight so he could wear that fancy vest. I appreciate the effort, he looked handsome in it. :)

We thought we would never get married. We didn't see the point, we kind of still don't, and luckily, be…

Flying While Fat

"I'm scared of flying while fat," I told my friends when I was planning a trip from Pittsburgh to Denver in October of 2016. It was to be my first time on a plane, and I had heard all about Kevin Smith's problems with Southwest Airlines. There is the obvious fear of my ample hips spreading into the seat next to me, and some poor unsuspecting fellow passenger being assaulted by my fat spilling onto them. The fear of being told to buy a second seat, that I probably couldn't comfortably afford was real. Should I buy a second seat to begin with? I did decide to spring for the slightly larger seats in the front on a Frontier Airlines flight.

The anxiety leading up to the trip was palpable. I scoured the internet for stories about people's experiences of flying while fat. People who felt as if they had been crammed into a sardine can, pictures of squished thighs and disgusted and disgruntled fellow passengers, offended by the amount of space their fat fellow passen…