This got really long, I hope you guys can get through it!
I had written this introductory blog about my weight loss history, my current journey, where I hope to be in the future, and my current accomplishments.
One of my current accomplishments is that it is now February 5th and I have not binged since October 14th 2010. Someone asked how I managed to do that.
Food addict, compulsive overeater, binge eater, yeah, I'm all of those.
I have no doubt that this will always and forever be something I struggle with. I was reassured of that fact this week. I did not do any binging, although I can't say I wouldn't have had I had more food at my disposal.
At the end of the day I had most of my days calories left at dinner so since I had so many, and so did my bf, I asked if he wanted to go to mad mex. (local cal-mex restaurant). I'm going to lay out just what led to me being in a 'binge' frame of mind.
- I had eaten too little during the day and let myself get way too hungry.
So, honestly I've come to terms with hunger. I can feel hungry for a good long time before I start to get weird. I have realized that I should not eat at all if I'm emotional because I can't be trusted. I also realized feeling hungry for a bit won't kill me. So denying myself food when I'm feeling emo took time but it made me realize that hunger is not ast big and scary as it used to be.
While this is great, it doesn't mean sometimes my eyes aren't bigger than my stomach. Well, that night when I was so hungry, I made my second mistake:
- I gave myself permission to eat the entire portion and how full I was - was not a factor.
That night I ordered what I always do. Tofu tacos with waffle fries on the side. This is the only fried thing I ever eat anymore and I try and eat it only once a week as a treat. The meal comes with 3 tofu tacos and what I guess is about a medium size 'chik-fil-a' type waffle fries. I normally eat 2 tacos and a little less than half the fries cuz that is usually when I'm full. I try to listen really hard to my 'full signals.' which has gotten easier over time. (When I first started I would just eat half of something whether I felt full or not until I could feel fullness)
On that night though, I was thinking I was so hungry I'd just eat all of it. I had the cals to spare, no big deal right? Wrong.
- I had the idea in my head that I didn't want to 'waste' my cals since 'd be heading to bed after we got back from dinner.
I have tried so hard to stop thinking in the terms of 'wasting'. I have gotten comfortable with leaving half a plate of food. I try and separate myself from the idea that if I don't eat all of something that I'm wasting food or money. I have 'wasted' money on fad diets and dieting drugs and schemes. Not eating when I'm no longer hungry is not a waste. I try and do the same with my calories. If I have a few left over at the end of the night and I'm not hungry, or I don't have time to eat, it's not a waste.
- I not only ignored my 'full' signal, I bashed it into submission as it fought for control.
I ate the tacos and a few fries. I had maybe half my fries left, and I took a deep breath. You know the one, that means,"I'm pleasantly full, but not stuffed." If you have problems recognizing your full signal, which I did for a long time, pay attention to that breath. It's a deep heavy sigh. That is when I am done, (normally).
Not only did I sigh and ignore it, but I was paranoid that my bf knew I was full and would tell me to stop eating, (we're diet buddies), so I said, "wow, I'm tired." as if the sigh was just a half yawn. I reached for a fry and I was literally arguing in my head.
"you're going to eat to the point of uncomfortable. Just stop."
"but I have the calories left!"
"Remember how you hate the sick feeling you get from overeating."
"but it's soooo tasty."
So, yeah, I definitely made some mistakes. A lot of little things all added up to make me eat the rest of those fries that I didn't need.
In regards to food addiction though, let me just say, I normally don't eat fried food (it's a trigger, and now that I've gone overboard I'm taking a break and not going out to eat at all for at least a month). So when we were about to leave the restaurant, I didn't want to leave. I told joey, "I feel kind of stoned." it was a weird sensation. It was pleasant and warm and slow. It didn't last too long, but I quickly realized I'd overdone it in more ways than one.
At the point of this meal in particular, I hadn't binged or overeaten unhealthy food for over 3 months and the full force of dopamine and all that good addiction juice being released in my brain in response was unleashed.
I quickly realized I didn't want to feel like that ever again. It would be so easy to regain 45 lbs because that fuzzy warm feeling was so nice.
That is not the life I really want. That is not the food I really want.
This is the food I want when my addiction is not controlling me:
I can't really abstain from food, but I can definitely abstain from triggery, fatty food with little to no nutritional value.
I hope that this deconstruction of my ridiculous experience with eating beyond satiety can help someone out there.
How do you deal with things like emotional eating, binge urges, hunger and satiety signals? Leave a comment below!